There is no need to elaborate. No, I don't have a tattoo! And I don't plan to have one.

Day 27: Guilty Pleasures

• I feel guilty right after I am upset. I would always end up feeling like the worst person alive. I wish I don't have to be this impatient. I wish I don't have this short temper. I wish I will always be graceful under pressure. I wish I can manage my mind and control my reactions wisely.
• I feel guilty right after I talk about other people. Even if it's for fun or just a mention about another person in any of my conversation with my husband, family, friends, or peers. It just does not feel right. Although it can  be "rationalized" when I sort of rant and vent out frustrations and disappointments, I still can't be comfortable about it.
• I feel guilty when I hide things. I tend to keep things to myself until it just erupts without warning. Then, I get to be very illogical. I wish I can be expressive. Then maybe I can tame my temperament.
• I feel guilty when I buy things for myself. There is no point. I don't really need a lot. Besides, I do not go elsewhere. Being frivolous is like an illusion, and I am just kidding myself. No, these things do not make me pretty nor do they make me rich. They do not make me holy and they do not make me happy!
• I feel guilty when the house is dirty!

Day 26: Something I Am Excited About

Other than Christmas, which is just around the corner... I am very excited to be in Cebu soon! As to when, I don't know... may everything fall into place, as planned. I am already imagining the get-togethers with my closest friends and families, together with their children. It will be a lovely reunion! I can't wait, I can't wait.

Day 25: Five Messages

Dear Person #1: I thank God for you everyday! I like how we both have become over the years. I love the way we both are to each other. I love the way you love me... I love you, most of all! Life has become a wonderful adventure... Thank you for being mine!

Dear Person #2:  It's awesome how our lives have become so entangled like family. And that after all the dramas and pauses, we have become more and more the kindred spirits we knew we once were. How odd that is for two different people to share a lot of the same things! You are one of my constants, and I am grateful for that!

Dear Person #3: I wish you can keep the house clean daily, prettify daily, be graceful daily, be happy daily. And may you cast away the demons that have been clouding your sanity daily!

Dear Person #4: I wish you were still around. It would have been fun... 

Dear Person #5: You are L.O.V.E. and thank you so much for everything!

Last night I asked God to forgive my anger, to let go of my frustrations especially to oneself. To be free of certain inhibitions that drive me crazy most of the times and to choose happy no matter what. I pray that I will be an open vessel to whatever it is that I should be doing. That I might have the grace to do mundane things with so much love. And that I may inspire my children to be the same...

***

There have been a lot of disappointments lately, mostly from people I fondly called "friends". I want to be rid of sadness and the drama that comes along with it. I wish them well, wherever they are now. And if I have ever wronged them I wish they can forget about it eventually, whatever that maybe. It's odd to be out of the loop suddenly. The comfortable warmth that welcomes you then, now sends chills to the spine. That coldness and indifference, I wish to cast away. On the other hand, I am forever grateful to the few "constants" in my life! 

***

Christmas is here! I can feel it in the air! Christmas is also my anniversary month with the husband! We are going to celebrate our 8th year together! Yey! If I were to decide, I'd like a weekend with just us. As to its feasibility, we don't really know.  Gotta get back to my Christmas list and start planning that Christmas card before it is too darn late!

The Evil That Is...

Cramping, irritability, odd cravings, and really just madness... that is premenstrual only! It is even crazier than being pregnant! And all these went away... how do I explain it to myself? I feel the hormones as a lousy excuse. I am tired of it as an excuse. I don't like the thought that I do not own my body, mind, and spirit when I am possessed and consumed by its imbalance. Can nature really do this to me?

It is always a struggle to see myself losing it. I cried for help because I do not like of what has become of me. It's like a stranger, an evil witch, a psychotic on the loose! I want to be on top of it. It will be a choice. So I will mark this specific date in my calendar to warn myself of that nasty visitor.

How do I even exorcise it? 

L.O.V.E.

Thank you, for being mine!

That must have been the longest three days! I'm glad your retreat went well. It was good to see you again. Look, how happy I am in this picture and I guess you are too! It was so cute to rendezvous at Pastor's silver wedding anniversary yesterday. Oh I wonder how it must feel to have our vows renewed again... so sorry, I could not dance with you at the party. I don't know why that is, but I just can't. Anyway, I'm glad we went out for dinner before coming home. We needed that!

Well, yes! I have lots. Mostly from the same folks that I exchanged text messages with -- my husband, my bestfriend, my baby sitters/friends, close friends, and family. No, I didn't delete them. I don't see why I have to hehehe! But I try to clear old messages once in awhile...

Rescue Me

It felt like I was drowning with my own thoughts, worries, fears, chores, and crazy hormones. I feel bad for my sons who have to put with my temper tantrums when I just could not take it anymore. It is really shameful. I wish I can be very graceful at all times throughout the day, no matter how exhausted I am. I plan to work on it. I will come up with tricks on how to keep my neuroses and stress levels at a minimum. This way, there are no lovable bunch casualties. Heavens forbid that I may terrorize and traumatize them with my squeals. I can really be that scary. Mea culpa!

Two months ago, my eldest turned six! Yep! Where did the time go? We celebrated his birthday earlier in a nearby clubhouse with his friends. Angry birds rocked it! It was also in the same month that he got his first coup. It was scary. I lacked sleep and even if I need to sleep I just can't. The little ones got it too and more sleepless nights for me. This was also the time that I had to use an albuterol for chest pains and started taking my medications for very high triglycerides. Everything happened in my nook.... 

Day 22: An Inside Joke With Someone

My college superfriends have a lot of inside jokes. We were the 'corny' gang. We have had codenames to several of our classmates and teachers. Here's a few of many:

• caffeine (his name reminds us of a coffee brand)
• pink pandol (na pandol sya and he was wearing a pink shirt)
• pulbos (she was so fair like baby powder)
• frosty the snowman (a big flirt, murag prosti)
• pan (his name is a type of bread you can buy from Julie's)

And there are a lot of more jokes I share(d) with Uma W! We used to talk using one vowel only LOL! Everyday we choose what vowel to use. Cin yi rid this bibi? Ikiki! LIL!

Day 21: If I Die Tomorrow...

If I die tomorrow, I would regret not being able to smother my children with hugs and kisses just because I was too busy with house chores and deskwork. I would regret pouting the entire night just because my husband said a joke I could not take (because I'm PMSing). I would regret all things negative and bad...

1. Becoming a mother is the most significant among others. I cannot describe how ecstatic I felt when I held my babies for the first time. Each of them came with a grueling labor story. Their lives have define mine. And whenever they say "Mama", it feels like heaven on earth!
2. Getting married, twice, in 2003. For documents purposes, Mark and I got married through civil rights. I giggled and giggled throughout the entire ceremony. I just could not help it. It felt surreal that I was finally getting married. The second ceremony followed three months after, which falls on our tenth anniversary as a couple. It was intimate and solemn.
3. My engagement in 2003 was lovely! I feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the universe when Mark asked me to marry him. It was by the beach, somewhere in Hong Kong, underneath the stars and the moon.
4. Papa's demise. Right before I left for my graduate studies, the doctors found a huge brain tumour on his left side. The sight of him blue after a seizure haunted me for many years. He died a little over two years since that happened. I still long for him. I still wonder how it must be for my children to enjoy their grandfather. I  see his smile and his sunny personality in my sons. I wish I asked for his recipes. I must stop now.
5. The year 2000 was both joyful and sad. I have never cried so much in my life until that day Mark left for the US to pursue his graduate studies. I was happy he got the opportunity but I was miserable being left behind. It was also that year that I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst, which thankfully disappeared without surgery.
6. Opus Dei. I joined the prelate in 1997 but left a year after that. This is so personal and very precious. I was happy with my decision to become a numerary member. This means that I will devote my (single) life to doing apostolate and giving formation, while practicing my profession. However, I left because I can't stand to see Mark being with someone else. And I realized that becoming a parent is the greatest vocation there is.
7. UP Cebu. Best years! I was on the roll. I was so motivated. I was enjoying my time with my friends that I never want to miss school. I discovered myself. I graduated with honors and proved that I can do whatever I set my mind in to. This was when I felt like supergirl, not knowing the years after I'd be doing a million things with no help at all hehehe!
8. Betrayal(s). It hurts like mad. At that moment I thought I might as well die. And no, I am not going to discuss it here. Betrayal is universal. Almost always caused by someone dearest to you. Otherwise, you would not have cared at all. 
9. The Dark Ages. Looking back, I know I was in the pits. I barely noticed who I was and what became of me. I managed to be well and my husband survived it LOL!
10. Tupperware Days, not the fake friends you make but the ones you keep forever. Those were hot humid summers with huge boxes (and barely 80 pounds of us) and taking jeepneys! Who ever said that you cannot do enterprise with someone you care about? =P

Day 19: My Goal in Life

My goal in life is to make a difference. I pray that the little things I do will have a positive effect on other people, most especially to my sons. If they grow up to become wonderful men in their chosen field, I can die happy.

Day 18: The Person I Admire The Most

A saint? A queen? An actor? A writer? A hero? I don't really know. I have always thought that I am not wired to become a 'fanatic' of something or someone. I don't remember being crazy and passionate about things or people. Well, I take it back. A person made me crazily passionate. So, it is him that I admire the most! Yes, him. Need I say more? =P

On another note, I admire people who can love and appreciate people and things no matter what. I admire people who are forgiving and gentle. People who are generous with their time, money, and talent. People who do not whine about their misfortunes. People who do not blame their childhood of their screw ups and their neuroses. People who are brave. People who are almost always happy despite of whatever that come their way. People who do one million things a second and do it well. People who do not make excuses.

I wish to meet these admirable people someday, and (just maybe) become one too. 

Day 17: Something I Wish I Could Say To Someone

"Abi nimo gwapa ka?"

"Bright man unta ka..."

"Nganong kusog man ka manglibak?"

"OA ra kayo ka!"

"Astang bogo-a nimo!"

"Pino ra kayo ka ug panlantaw sa kinabuhi"

"Gi hilasan uroy ko nimo!"

"Wa lagi ka'y batasan"

"Pagklaro diha"
"Nayawaan na ko!"

****

I have more, but couldn't publish it. A lot of these pop like bubbles. I keep a lot of these inside my head. I usually don't like to cause trouble. But if trouble finds me, maybe that is another story =P

Fashion Rut

Nothing new. All neutrals. And I am tired of it!

Why can't I be more daring? 

I need to feel and look fabulous too!

The Stereotype

(Please add two babies kids here!)

"UP ka din, di ba?" 

Yup!

"Magna or Summa?"

Cum lang po...

"Anong natapos mo?"

Business Management

"Ay sayang naman at di mo nagagamit!"

Why? I run two businesses.

"Oh you work from home?"

I own my businesses and I don't work for anyone

Do you think I am wasting my time and talents because I stay at home? But, why? It is not brain numbing. It is not for the weak of hearts as well. 

Have you met me yet? So you know, I am the opposite of tall. The vertically challenged. The tiny peanut. I have always been this way. I used to be so insecure about my height. I wished I were maybe at least five inches taller. But over the years, I have overcome this. I have always felt tall no matter what. I am happy in my world. I am not even five feet. My height is similar to the ten and eleven year olds. I am just enough to sit in a car without a booster seat (required by law). So what if I'm short? =P

Day 15: What I Dislike About Myself

It is embarrassing how I can throw a fit. I am still a work in progress. I just hope that I will get better soon before I permanently scar my sons. I have a very bad temper especially when I lack sleep and when I am hungry. Mostly, I do this at the comforts of my "home". I guess it is where I can be myself, truly myself. I pity my boys. I feel guilty after every scream. It's not me! It's this nasty little brat that I could not kick out of my system.

Other than this hidden fury, I hate being so lazy and scattered brain. Why can't I just focus? Why can't I just sit and settle? Why can't I just do it? Why does it have to be later or tomorrow? Why do I keep doing this? This has to stop. 

Day 14: What I Like Most About Myself

I laugh, I cry.

If it won't kill me, it won't.

I used to love myself too much that it drove me to (perhaps) insanity. There were humbling circumstances which made me realize a lot of things about myself. It took awhile to accept and appreciate everything. Maybe wisdom comes with age after all.

I like the way I see things now. I like the way how I manage to stay happy despite of. I like how I appreciate every moment spent (breathing) with my family and friends. I like my (daily) resolve to become better. I like my struggle to be perfect. I like this sunny soul. And I pray that it will stay forever and ever.

www.myemospace.com

People survive heartbreaks and move on. I have nursed my broken heart. And I am no saint as well. But I do not want to dwell on these things. These do not make me happy. These do not make me proud. I know they made me stronger. I know they made me wiser. On the other hand, people break hearts as well. I have been sorry and will always be sorry for causing trouble. I will live my life living it as cheerfully as I could.

Day 12: A Wish, I Wish, Could Come True!

F.R.E.E.D.O.M.

from worries, sadness, sickness, betrayal, frustrations, anxiety, misery...

from laziness, procrastination, anger, greed...

from things and people that are not happy and good...

if only, if only

Day 11: Who I Can't Live Without?

I chose to be with him more than a decade ago. That instant, I knew I can't live without him. My forever is with him. I thought to myself that I can't imagine seeing him in the future, happily married to someone when that "someone" should have been me! Yes, ME! I chose him over a life without this family. Him, over a life without happy chaos. Him. Everyday is like living that dream we once shared, to be together...

A life without him would be walking without a limb. A face without a smile. A world without colors. 

I wish I had a crystal ball. I'd like to see what is in store for me and my family. LOL! Okay, so what will be my future like? I will tell you how I have always seen it:

• The husband and I will live in a condo at the heart of the city. Accessible to health care, restaurants, and theaters. We will enjoy our empty nesting stage watching musicales, concerts, movies, restaurant hopping, maybe running a marathon together (insert chuckles), and loving everything about life.
• We will have that nipa hut overlooking an ocean, and perhaps a little one too by the beach front.
• The boys will be wonderful with their vocation, whatever that maybe. They will be the best chef, rockstar, surgeon, artist, performer, etc. Their true love and passion will find them.
• Our business portfolio will take care of our medical needs, and luxury. It will also support a good cause. Hopefully it will outlive us and will become our legacy.

Day 9: Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Next 365 Days

Oh Lord, plans for next year!? Easy... I want to bring my family to Cebu for a long break and hopefully spend the holidays there! It would be lovely, it would be wonderful for the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Along with that grand hope, are these:

• renovate the house in Cebu, if at all possible =)
• major portfolio revamp ;-)
• get back into shape, to squeeze into that little black dress!
• run a half marathon?

I pray that I will have the grace to accept whatever has been planned for us. "We plan, God laughs at us!"

Day 8: What's in My Purse?

I carry huge bags these days... shown above is my yellow purse I got from my birthday. Attached is a blinking Sketchers sneakers bag chain, I got from a Happy Meal hehehe! Inside is a red clutch that holds my tinted moisturizer, perfume, hand lotion, tinted lip balm, lip gloss, blush, mascara, lash curler, and tweezers. Other major essential is my black wristlet that carries my phone, card holders, coins, and some bills. I haven't used my wallet in a long time. I also carry my albulterol (that yellow thing with a spacer) all the time, sunglasses, the tissue pack which I got from Akio's first day in Kindergarten, Similac ready to drink bottle with a nipple ring and nipple.

Almost always, I just carry my wristlet, car keys, and sunglasses to run an errand. That has become my life! No time and space for fussing and whatnots. It all boils down to what is important.