PANIC

Back then, I've always been proud as to how graceful I can be under pressure. Peers and friends would marvel as to how I keep it together. I wish I can call that 'self' now. My heart is pounding, my mind is almost having a short circuit. Here I go again with thoughts going to different directions...

There are a lot on my plate, excluding the two boys and the household. There are things that also matters a lot more than anything. Sometimes it really does have to come first, because what's the use of being here if I'm not healthy. I am scared, again. But I did this before, I should be able to do it again.

And there are stuffs to plan, forecast, and delegate... sometimes being self employed is a headache. Oh well, it is a headache! Pretty much not for the faint of heart. Now, I worry and worry. I refuse to tackle charts and graphs. I cringe every time I crunch numbers. Do you feel the same way too?

Back to me, focus. Eat well, sleep, and exercise. I should be better at this! Wait, and now I remember that huge pile in the laundry room? Help, anyone?!

What Do I Want?

Introspection, that's the process... been doing that lately. I am surrounded by a lot of inspirational people -- strong willed, passionate, smart, bold, and innovative. They are in dconstant motion redefining their lives, pursuing their hobbies, perfecting their crafts, loving with all their might, and juggling several projects with just two hands (won't be called juggling if they had four, right?!).

Now, what do I want to become?

Here Is My Heart

Here is my heart, my gift to you.

Take care of it, I got no spare.

I wish you well.

I wish you love.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you good health and good fortune.

(to all of you, from my kitchen)

Erase, Undo.

How do you get rid of a bad memory? I so wish you can just delete it and throw it in the trash bin, just like unwanted files. You can't undo what you just did and what you just said. So save yourself from trouble and think a million times before you do something that would hurt you and others around you.

There have been moments where I wish I could just zap myself out of a situation, or wish the earth would swallow me whole. Times where it hurt so bad, I wish I were never born. Sometimes, I want to just go away become a new person. But of course, reality is I need to toughen up.

Maybe the hormones, as always, can drive me nuts. Maybe I am just oh so dramatic. Maybe I am just sad. Maybe I will get over with this someday. Maybe, just maybe this is the way I am.

The Tender Years

Grade V 1987-1988

Grade III 1985-1986

Lately, my facebook has been flooded with a lot of notifications from my grade school classmates hehehe! Such a riot when I started posting an old photo and then there goes the planning of a much deserved reunion. You see, we haven't really had the chance to get together since we graduated in 1989.

As I looked through old photos, I remember the little girl I used to be. Lost in my own world of doodles and scribbles... wishing to become a doctor and a fashion designer someday. Neither of which came true hehehe!!! I used to wish I could dance gracefully so I can wear a tutu instead of a patajong (had to 'model' native costumes instead of ballet). I wondered what it would be like to be a grown woman. And oh how I dreaded having my menses! LOL!

Then this (in)famous school bully in his public apology, mentioned that we thought I was 'maldita' and did not bother me at all. Yes, I was bully-proof! I was quiet but feisty. I once threw a punch at him back then. It also helped to have my cousin, Ian, who used to be my bodyguard until he moved to another school in fifth grade. Maybe that's why I remained untouchable. Oh how I miss him, may he rest in peace.

All these tales actually scares the bleep out of me... if I have a girl, what would she be like? HAHAHA!!!

Self Love

So today, I spent three hours at the spa to get a new hairstyle, express facial, and pedicure. It's pretty expensive compared to the pampering and TLC I am used to back in Cebu. I wouldn't have done this without my gift certificate from my dearest fairy! The GC was in my purse since April. Good thing she keeps asking me whether I have used it already... I decided to book myself a spa day to get over with baby blues and gloom syndrome (I get sick when I don't see the sun!).

Loving thyself, is a bit challenging amidst the chaos and the demands of staying home with two energetic boys. The never ending chores take a backseat almost always... and if you know me well enough it's always the laundry room that I neglect the most (other than myself). What do you know, a few hours of alone time did wonders. It felt like I recharged my draining batteries and much more.

Lately, my husband and I have been discussing about pursuing our dreams and passion before it's too late. I support his plans as he always does to mine (read: passion not whims). He asked me about what I want to do as a "second act", I told him that my goal is to be beautiful always! LOL! He said it's not going to be cheap for him!!! "Oh Dad, please help me achieve my goal!"

It won't be easy to achieve... taking a long shower is even a luxury what more is it to 'beautify'? A friend of mine, who has four kids, once told me that she takes care of herself first and foremost. If you see her, it's pretty obvious that she does!

From now on, I must nurture self love above anything as selfish and shallow as it may sound... I don't mind what you think. I just refuse to drown myself in that dark pit once again...

Why Bother?

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

-Desiderata by Max Ehrmann-

***

Sometimes I don't understand myself... err most of the times. Why am I drawn to things that bother me with so much insecurities and whatnots? I will be myself. And I should not doubt that I can be whatever I want to be...

Unwanted

familiar, i do know you

but sadly you are not welcome.

When I Grow Up

If you have the time and money, what would you do for the rest of your life? This was a main topic with C over an almost four hour conversation! Only her can tolerate the chatterbox like me hehehe! And what do you know, I am discussing this now with P through chat.

So let me write mine down, whisper it to the universe, and one day it (should) may come true:

• publish that book!
• arts -- painting, make-up, photography, culinary
• organize fund raising activities
• travel

I should be more specific pero mauwaw ko! Ani na lang, okay? So what's yours?

Bus(y)ness

The mind is in constant chaos, thriving. It has realized that I've been freezing it for quite a long time, with maternity leave as an excuse. Oh well, it's about time to thaw it fully. And how appropriate that it's already summer. So brain defrosting, 70% as of the moment.

I can't articulate what and how I am thinking lately. Being busy physically does not describe how messy it is up here, in between my ears. The chores are constantly crying, calling my attention... I just couldn't tackle all of it. I must be lazy, still. Or perhaps, I prefer playing with my boys especially the little baby more than anything (now that he's starting to giggle, how can I resist that?).

So the projects which I intended to do, i.e. family albums, scrapbooks, frames, other businesses and ideas with friends will take a backseat. I need to focus my energy on important matters these days. And of course, cradling my sanity is top most priority.

May I be graceful under pressure.

Just Like the Weather

My mood swings has always been an issue for my parents and my siblings while growing up. Nobody can figure out whether I'd be chirpy or grumpy. My mother warned my husband on our wedding day. Much to my husband's (non) delight, he discovered and even volatile version. I went through 'crazy' and all that crap. Lucky that I had the best friend in the world, who would almost always yank me back to reality. So anyway, I feel much better.

Lately, I have felt a somewhat familiar tune... like a serenade luring me to crazyville once again. I am hoping I can be above all these since I have already been there. There are things I don't wish to ever think and do again. Yet sometimes, I am driven by my angst and grief that I say and act on a whim with complete disregard of any consequences...

Today, I tried to be sunny! Enjoying every moment with my little boys, but a monstrous migraine disrupted me and my plans to be up and about. Then I realize I hope I am not this volatile towards the people I care about.