Nothing

To not hear noise, nor smell stench, and see chaos...
To be forever peaceful...
To feel nothing but bliss.

Skin Deep

These days I feel like something is piercing through my skin. I can't help but scratch it until it bleeds. All these welts and bumps feel like I am attacked by an invisible alien. Whatever this is, this has to go away! Is it the weather? Is it something I ate? Is it stress? I will find out on Monday. Everyone in my family goes to an allergist. They better give us a family discount.

***

I noticed that I slouch most of the times. And when I do, my belly feels and looks like I'm entering my third trimester. I guess this bad posture is brought to you by motherhood. I need to exercise, to feel good, to be healthy, to look fantastic (bleh)!

***

This post is as shallow as my mind. Like a zombie. Empty. Dead.

Who?

Who do I want to become? What do I want to do? There are so many choices and so many opportunities. But right now, it calls me to be mom and wife. It may not be that much to others... sometimes, I feel like it is more than I can handle. So far, I made it through difficult days. 

What else could I do? What is it like out there? I really don't know. To be honest, I am scared to try. I have been in my "comfort" nook for quite sometime. I have become my own boss, of my time, and sometimes of whims. I have only been employed for four years. I don't know what I would bring to the table. These thoughts are actually senseless.

A career envy? An insecurity? I just want to bring home some bacon. It would be lovely to treat my boys with what they need and want (and a treat for myself would be a wonderful upside too). I feel like I could do a lot of things, just could not master one.  So what is it that I could do?

I share these sentiments with my fellow full time mommies. A few of them I worked with a long time ago. Most of our colleagues and friends have become the best and the brightest in their fields. Not to mention earning a lot as well. While we laugh and enjoy our queendoms, we also wish and wonder what it would have been like if we chose to stay on with our careers outside the home.

So this bug has bitten me, for now I'll allow it. Tomorrow is another day, no time for drama. There are loads of laundry to be put away and a long list of to do and projects for the year.