Toddlers: The Series

I realized that there is no ending to this for the next five years or so... and so the saga continues, and I lose my temper ever so ferociously! I always think I don't deserve to be a mother every time I get angry with these critters that messes up the house and my days altogether! Oh well...

So today, they threw most of their toys from the loft to the living room downstairs. Messy does not even describe it. I couldn't care less anymore. They have fun picking it up and dumping on their buckets anyway. But alas! I hear them giggling downstairs, I was so curious as to what they were doing... I wanted to join in on their little party! Hah! The kitchen is flooded! This is the second time and unlike the first time, I was not cool about it! Let us just say that I totally LOST it :O And so I got a dirty blanket to mitigate the flooding, and I plan to deal with it later when I am not seething with anger. There is something with liquid spills that takes the best out of me, I could not explain why.

Almost two weeks ago, they vandalized my bathroom! All drawers opened, makeup everywhere,  and jewelries (there is almost none to speak of, but had to search for my pearl studs and rings) all over the floor!  It took me a day to clean it all up, quite forced me to organize my drawers. I had to throw some lipsticks, foundation, and whatnots because it's all smeared on the floor and God knows where else?! I had to wash and sterilize my brushes too! Darn it! Darn it!

I could be in my very vulnerable state right now, considering it's almost my period. I know myself pretty well to lose it rather quickly when I'm hormonal... but I can't quite stop the surge as my Incredible Hulk alter ego emerges when I get angry! So there, judge me if you can... I don't really care =P

Toddlers

I wake up daily with eyes half asleep. I trot from my bathroom to the kitchen, with a screaming stop at my son's room. Yes, I start the day right! It's embarrassing to lose it that soon, but what can I do? Screaming jump starts the morning routine for my first grader, otherwise he'd sit on a corner and not do anything until kingdom come. To keep myself sane, I insert a morning prayer and listen through podcast the daily readings, while I prepare breakfast and packed lunch. I juggle all these with two toddlers whining for their milk and diaper change. Yes, they wake up early too...

(My husband fends for himself with cereal. If he's lucky, he gets a hot breakfast and packed lunch)

Normalcy or whatever it is, starts when the eldest leaves the moment my alarm rings at 8:17 AM. (You don't know how many alarms I have throughout the day!). Sometimes, I walk him to the stop with the two toddlers with me. Sometimes, I leave the young ones for a few minutes.

Ah, finally I sit and try to eat breakfast... but not too fast! There is chaos everywhere... there are days, when I can't stop cleaning... and there are days, where I turn a blind eye and don't really care how my house looks like. 

Lately, these two toddlers beat the crap out of me. I yell in madness and frustration, because I can't just keep up. Just a few minutes in the bathroom, then I see broken spice jars, or them swinging by the chandeliers to the tune of "wee! I'm swinging!", or a chemical lab of concoction -- milk with soy sauce, water with a slipper, cookies with soup, etc... It's not funny when you live my life. It's only funny when it happens to someone else. 

I am blissful when they nap. Yes, I am!

Reach Out

My words are trapped, it's not easy to spew them out. I can't web adjectives into my daily grind, other than "exhausting". But I am happy! I know I am. I whine, whine, and whine. It's pointless. And I myself grew sick of hearing me complain. 

Nothing

To not hear noise, nor smell stench, and see chaos...
To be forever peaceful...
To feel nothing but bliss.

Skin Deep

These days I feel like something is piercing through my skin. I can't help but scratch it until it bleeds. All these welts and bumps feel like I am attacked by an invisible alien. Whatever this is, this has to go away! Is it the weather? Is it something I ate? Is it stress? I will find out on Monday. Everyone in my family goes to an allergist. They better give us a family discount.

***

I noticed that I slouch most of the times. And when I do, my belly feels and looks like I'm entering my third trimester. I guess this bad posture is brought to you by motherhood. I need to exercise, to feel good, to be healthy, to look fantastic (bleh)!

***

This post is as shallow as my mind. Like a zombie. Empty. Dead.

Who?

Who do I want to become? What do I want to do? There are so many choices and so many opportunities. But right now, it calls me to be mom and wife. It may not be that much to others... sometimes, I feel like it is more than I can handle. So far, I made it through difficult days. 

What else could I do? What is it like out there? I really don't know. To be honest, I am scared to try. I have been in my "comfort" nook for quite sometime. I have become my own boss, of my time, and sometimes of whims. I have only been employed for four years. I don't know what I would bring to the table. These thoughts are actually senseless.

A career envy? An insecurity? I just want to bring home some bacon. It would be lovely to treat my boys with what they need and want (and a treat for myself would be a wonderful upside too). I feel like I could do a lot of things, just could not master one.  So what is it that I could do?

I share these sentiments with my fellow full time mommies. A few of them I worked with a long time ago. Most of our colleagues and friends have become the best and the brightest in their fields. Not to mention earning a lot as well. While we laugh and enjoy our queendoms, we also wish and wonder what it would have been like if we chose to stay on with our careers outside the home.

So this bug has bitten me, for now I'll allow it. Tomorrow is another day, no time for drama. There are loads of laundry to be put away and a long list of to do and projects for the year. 

Thirty Five

The best gift there is, my life. 

I look at the mirror with gratefulness for the all the wonderful years.

Love

Love will pull me out of this misery.
My mind is more powerful than what I think.
Love is even more powerful.

Questions?

When will this ever end?
When will I feel better?
When am I going to finish it?
Why am I like this?
What can I do?
Why do I feel like a failure?
Why am I not enough?
Who do I want to become?
Where is my piece of heaven?
When can I rest?
How did I let myself go?
How are you?

Suave

I almost always get tempted to try out "promising" new products. However, I try it with much skepticism expecting the worst possible outcome. For several months, I have seen advertisements of Suave Professional claiming to be as good as expensive salon products. Of course, I want my hair to look and feel nice all the time! So, I went ahead and tried their shampoo and this magical anti frizz serum (picture shown above).

It feels like I'm betraying my all time favorite shampoo since 2009 (thanks to my god daughter who introduced me to this), the Aussie Moist. The Suave shampoo and conditioner for dry hair, which promises to work like that of Aveda, does not make my hair feel as quenched and smooth the way my Aussie does. That is okay, at least I tried. 

Oh but the serum, yes the serum! I massaged it through my damp hair after towel drying it and left it at that. I did not have any time to blow dry it, besides it is very scorching outside now. The wind dried my hair naturally. Normally if I let my hair loose like that, it will be all over the place and would feel rough. This time, it was sleek and manageable. It looks tamed. My huge waves weren't disastrous, as if I blow dried it. Now, I am beginning to appreciate the random waves of my hair! It does not look as bad as I thought. Note that I always tie my hair in a pony or iron it out if I let it loose... I guess it is time to let my hair breathe hehehe!

Enough

You are good enough.

Even if your world doesn't feel so.

Despite that heaviness in your heart...

Smile, choose happy. Always.

A Birthday Wish

I will turn 35 next month and I am very excited! And my wish is to indulge myself with:

- a Kate Spade purse (white, camel, and/or black)
- a Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer
- Urban Decay Naked
- pointy toed stilettos (black and/or red)
- skinny and bootlegged jeans
- girly tops and tees
- yoga pants
- Church/party dress
- little black/red dress
- a pair of diamond studs
- diamond cross pendant on white gold/silver chain
- spanx swimsuit in black
- sundresses
- pink pjs and tanks (in diff colors)

I don't know if I will be able to hoard of them in one day... But I will surely start "shopping" after a long hiatus... I am sick of my maternity clothes!

Now, where to buy a new body? LOL!

Self

It has been a journey to look this happy. I have missed my smile. In my mind, I'm always grumpy. I think I look ugly and many more self loathing ... But why do I do this?

Let this be the year for me to rejoice God's gift to me, for me to appreciate what I have,  and embrace the effects of gravity and.childbirth. Must be why vanity is the devil's favorite sin (at least Al Pacino said so)...

There are more to life than these neuroses! More to life than worry, sadness... Choose love and happiness. Self, you listen!

Stila One Step Correct

I was at Ulta wandering aimlessly, since the lipstick that I wanted to buy wasn't available anymore. I savored my time alone while the boys were with their Dad at home. Testing some products would not hurt... I used to enjoy doing this many many years ago. My feet led me to a counter in Stila. Then, I found this! Looks like a DNA strand, looks very scientific! I thought I should try it hehehe!

It promised to even out my skin tone and banish the redness (which bothers me a lot, other than the dry spots). It felt like magic as I spread it all over my cheeks. I was so convinced I bought it right away. If I waited, I could have gotten the same thing online without taxes and shipping fee. Oh well, I have it now. It is a staple after I moisturize. I don't feel the need to use a foundation anymore. I wonder how this magic primer would do on a humid day... hmmm!

Sorry, I don't know much about reviewing a beauty product. I just thought that for a change, I might as well feature this one loot I got recently.

Looking Glass

Like a stranger looking through my life go by, like that someone else judging me from behind my back, like that... someone thinks ill of what I'm not doing right... in my mind, and that's me. Strange. Really. But I think I could do more than this... spread myself more. Even more thinly. Become a better person. A better wife. A better mom. Or am I just experiencing this so called (almost) midlife crisis now that I'm nearing my mid 30s? 

I need a change of perspective. I want it now. For weeks, I have been in that abyss drowned with my own thoughts and cynicism. I think and I know that I sound like a mad woman everyday screaming and being bratty if I don't get it my way. And the casualties are the lovely boys God has given me. I hope they can forgive my tantrums one day.

I need to purge these thoughts. Shake them off as I wash the dishes, do the laundry, mop the floor, change diapers, and many many more. I wish I can do all these in a snap. For now my mind takes me to this lovely home where everything is spic and span. Ah, the compulsions again. I can't really live up to my mind. My body, I mean.

So what is left for me to do? Whine. Yes, that. As if my world is about to crumble. And how selfish is that? Absolutely. Then again, it's in my head. I am not asking for sympathy. I know it's not at all about me, but sometimes I feel like it is and I guess it's okay.

Where do I begin? Ah, to begin again, and again...

Brain Check

The past few weeks I feel like I'm in someone else's body, someone else's mind, someone else's life... have you ever experienced that? I do not know what has become of the woman that I am. I blamed it to my monthly period, but it's too much of a stretch already! I wonder if I need to have my brain checked, seriously. Must be because I stopped going to the gym, hmmm. Or perhaps because I have been missing out on sleep... I feel like I'm shrinking, like that of a prune... oh wait, raisin. Yes, a raisin. Shriveled. Ugly.

My migraines are back with a vengeance! Three days of torture. Three days where I wish I were somewhere else. Agonizing days. But, in the name of Lent I shoveled the snow from the driveway in the hopes of getting that darn endorphin! I did this because I seem to not skip meat on days that matter. Alas, I got all aches all over minus the happy hormones! I was trembling in the cold, but sweating. I could not move anymore. My back hurts, my legs are wobbly, and now my arms feel like I trained to beat Manny Pacquiao! What is with all these fatigue?

Ah, fatigue. I should sleep earlier. I know I was happier when I did that. I should do that. I should.

Dear Love

I wish I had a beauty queen's body and height. A milky complexion with fine pores. I wish I can afford to maintain frequent trips to the dermatologist, the spa, and the salon. I wish to be able to indulge to all these vanity. Yes, vanity.

I fantasize about a smaller waistline, if those extra inches could just be added to my height... it will be awesome! I have a lot of self loathing going on. And why is that? I don't know. I just feel nothing like glamorous. I feel dreadful. I don't like to look at the mirror. I have painted my face daily for a week or two and stopped. It's exhausting to put up with that. I wish I'd come out perfect straight from my bed.

Who am I kidding? Yes. Vanity. It is vanity.

I wish I have a room-ful of fashionable clothes to wear. Shoes and bags to match them. Accessories to prettify me even more. Like an eye candy. Like a trophy wife. LOL! But, really?

Can someone please hire me a personal shopper? A stylist? I really don't have a clue. It eats me up always when I go through my clothes and absolutely everything is ghastly. I am ashamed. Although it feels liberating not to be attached to all these vanity.... I wish I can have more of what I have now.

Perhaps, a fat bank account. Where budget is unheard of... I can buy whatever that fancies me. Trot in heels and kick ass. But most of all, to have that time and energy to be with the kids... that kind of vanity. Where I don't have to think about anything else other than myself and my boys.... I wonder when that will happen.

For now, the dishes await. The office is screaming! It needs to be tidied up (what an understatement). And my mind, some hibernation from thinking of all these crazy things.

It was good to fantasize until it lasted LOL!

Week 5: My Palate

Desserts define my palate. I can manage my appetite well enough to have room for sweets after each meal. Heck, I can even have them as appetizers! Seriously. I don't know about you, but I love them in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I want to travel and taste all the sweets this world can offer! When I host parties, I usually (almost always) just order the main dishes and I'd take care of the appetizers and of course, desserts! My friends like my maja blanca, leche flan, and most recently my brazo de mercedes ;-)

On a savory note, I like pasta. I want to explore the different kinds of sauces, and even want to learn how to make pasta from scratch. Spaghetti bolognese tops my list. I make these almost every week, sometimes every other week. I crave for it. I like the tangy and chunky tomatoes, the hint of sweetness (I just need to add that extra sugar), and the aroma of the herbs and spices. Sometimes, I would make bechamel sauce or plain naked pasta with just olive oil and parmesan cheese. A new favorite of mine, are mussels in wine sauce with diced tomatoes eaten with linguini. I never thought I would like seafood, a shellfish at that. A happy pasta surprise hehehe! My friends like my chicken macaroni salad, and my seafood pasta. 

And how can I forget barbecue! Goodness, gracious! I like my meat and seafood grilled. Give me bbq ribs and I would lick it clean to the bones! I appreciate a good steak. I dream of grilled squid. I dream of pork and chorizo bbq at Litang's (Pardo,Cebu). Sometimes (not always, because I'm not really a huge fan), I wish I can have that lechon too! I used to make a lot of bbq ribs, but got tired of it. It is too much work for me.

When I don't feel like eating at home, I crave for dimsum, chicken tikka masala, crepes, roasted chicken, and a burger. Top places to go for these are at Kingsland Dimsum, Star of India, La Creperie, Boston Market or Maggiano's Little Italy, and Wendy's. Our family likes Olive Garden and PF Chang's as well. New discovery, Korean barbecue! Oh, to die for!!!

I better stop because I feel like I'm about to drool....

Week 4: My Home

I am home when I see your face. I am home when I hear their giggles. I am home when I feel that warmth, that comfort, that LOVE!

I was born and raised in the Philippines, and now live in the USA with my three boys and wonderful husband. Colorado has been our home for five years now.

We bought this house built and ready to move-in in 2007. It is quite spacious with three bedrooms, a loft, basement, office, laundry room, and a two car garage. When we moved in, we were one of the first residents in the lane. Now, it has been a happy place for several families.

On summers, it feels like an open house. Kids in the neighborhood come and go. They add to my happy chaos. We have forged friendships and these friends are like family already.

But there is always another home, back home. Back where my mother is, my siblings are, my childhood friends, my classmates, my former colleagues are, and where I drafted my dreams. It is where I nursed my heartaches and frustrations, where I met the love of my life, and where I became who I am now. There is that comfort of knowing that this home will soon be where I'm supposed to be a few years from now...

But in the meantime, I savor my domain where I am queen to four men. Although sometimes I wish I would have more than just my imagination to help me around.