"I knew the minute I saw her that she had Down Syndrome and nobody else did. I held her and cried. Cried and panned the room to meet eyes with anyone that would tell me she didn't have it. I held her and looked at her like she wasn't my baby and tried to take it in. And all I can remember of these moments is her face. I will never forget my daughter in my arms, opening her eyes over and over ... she locked eyes with mine and stared ... bore holes into my soul.
Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me." - Kelle Hampton
***
I am bawling at the middle of the night just because I read this while browsing through my emails. The wonder and joys of motherhood is truly a blessing. One cannot really fathom how much love a mother can feel... and the words above just got to me. The rigour of my second childbirth is still very fresh, not to mention my wound. The fact that my little bambino came out safe and healthy for a premie means a lot to me! I look at him and he's this fragile being hungry for my love and affection. I grew another heart solely just for him.
Why am I crying? I am a mother. I know.
***
Just one of those nights... when crying proves to be the healthier option. I had a grand time sleeping in late in the afternoon because my husband was home to take care of the boys. It was snowing and I asked him to work from home. The last thing I want to do is worry if he's safe in the highways. Oh well, it wasn't that nasty today compared to last night, but he was home all right!
Right before bedtime, I snuggled and tickled with my big baby. I brushed his teeth, washed his face, massaged him with his lotion, and put on his sleeping clothes. I wanted to cry because this was just I was doing before, taking care of only him. Now, he's all big and smart (and my little helper too). Sometimes I feel guilty. I get lost in my own world, trying to recover, making sense of the world when I am sleep deprived, and too irritable to be bothered. His world has become so magical lately, but his babbles do get into my nerves especially when I just want peace and quiet. Oh I miss him! And so I made it up... I snuggled with him until he went to sleep.
My little boys are in the same room now, the biggest one had to sleep in the other room because he has to work tomorrow. It's quite a change, my husband usually sleeps soundly and now when baby shrieks he just wakes up! Ah, love!
***
Sometimes I wish everything will all be wonderful and beautiful! Then again, it's all up to me.
3 comments:
*hugs*
Yes. Pretty much everything is up to you.
che, *hugs* sometimes crying is the best option..its cathartic to do so, and it will make the clouds in our heads disappear..
che,you are blessed..your boys are healthy, and your husband loes and adores you and your boys..but it doesnt mean crying is not an option..sometimes, its just nice to cry..it cleanses our eyes..=)
awww...this made me teary eyed because i can relate. i sometimes feel guilty when it seems like i give more attention to andi because she's the baby while raf is just there, doing his own thing.
just cry manang, it helps. i wish i can visit you so i can see u and the little boy sooner. cge lang, iampo nako. :)
Post a Comment