Not Just A Rose

When it catches you by surprise, it's not just a rose.

When it makes your heart leap like it's about to escape you...

When you run out of words, you smile.

And when you realize it's because you are loved,

it's really not just a rose anymore!

Have you met "the rose"?

Six Years

In six years, we have lived in three different states -- California, Maryland, and Colorado -- who knows where to next? Hehehe! We have also established a home back in Cebu where we hopefully will settle for good in the next (few) years. Our little family is growing, we are expecting our little munchkin this coming spring. We can't wait!


We've been through a lot. We've known each other since we were barely teenagers. We've seen each other grow and soar. We've let each other be the best of ourselves, be the best of friends, and now trying hard to be the best parents and a loving couple. We believed and we still do, that the future holds so much for us!

The Chicken That Was!

When we got home last night, the house stinked! I thought it was the trash that needed to be taken out or the little one's soiled underpants. The husband thinks it's the stove with all the grease and whatnots. It was really bad, stinky, bahong tae! Yak!

Today, I scrubbed the toilet, swept the floor, cleaned the stove and found a huge chunk of meat in the microwave! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! How could I forget such a thing?! I remembered thawing a pound of chicken last Thursday night but forgot to cook it. I offered the husband leftover pasta instead. Where did my brain go? Waaaah!

The chicken that was supposed to be baked with potatoes and carrots is in the big trash can. I hope the garage won't smell too much before the trash collector comes on Wednesday! Hahay!

Merry Christmas!

Dreaming in Pink

Lynette's tree reminded on how I have been wanting to change the ornaments! I want a pink tree next time and blue for the boys. But that would have to wait until all these multi colored bulbs are busted so I can replace them with white lights. Multicolored bulbs and multicolored ornaments are not too pretty, I think. Besides, I can't bring myself to just shove my silver trimmings in the bin just because I wanted to change my decors... oh well, I can't afford to do it. So far, this tree has been with our family for four years and will still do well in the years to come. You still can't convince me to get a real tree because I am sure, it will not last me a month! I want our tree up before Thanksgiving and golly I have the blackest thumb ever.

***

Pink and Tink, ah! My son has been crazy with Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy, and Neverland the past few days (we borrowed DVDs from the library). He will totally miss this when we have to return them this weekend.

If I am having a Leiko (indeed), I would really go pink and tink crazy for her christening. Although I wish my sibs are here to help me prepare and my friends will be here to celebrate it with us. Let us just leave the sad part. I am always excited of what I am having. If it is a Miro then his big brother will have to plan out his party. We hope to have the christening together with big boy's birthday this summer. I wish you could make it so we'll have a grand time =)

***

For now, I am fighting homesickness... the lull moments at nighttime makes me wish there are kids caroling in the neighborhood. My babies keep me happy. Tomorrow, big boy will have a pyjama party at his school with cookies and milk. He doesn't know Santa is coming to their school! Yay! On Saturday, they will have their Christmas program and I need to make cupcakes. We got him a formal attire and he is crazy about it from shirt to shoes! LOL! And just yesterday he gave me a card and a wrapped present from his school. These little joys make my day =)

Thank you Santa! LOL! Really, it's always wonderful to get something unexpected. I wish everyday would feel like this hahaha! Got the free phone from Sprint, courtesy of L's family plan. Yes, we're back on our family plan again. I would have waited until she renews her contract next month but since she badly needs a new phone ASAP she went to the store and had the contract renewed a month earlier. Afterall, what's a very loyal customer of four years for huh? There she got herself this amazing plan and a phone that costs less than a decent meal in a restaurant and it comes in two! Yahoooooooooooooooo!

Some things just fall into place, and as shallow as I may sound this is one of them for me this year. I was planning to get a plan for myself and save money from refilling my prepaid mobile. However, considering all the costs of getting for myself only I don't think it was worth the trouble. Thank God for family sharing plan =)

Now we have unlimited everything! Hahaha! Makes you think, who needs a landline these days? What's more is I can work wherever... no need to drag along my desk-laptop. Kapoy lang pindot ani uy!

(Santa, will you ever surprise me with a dslr? Oh dear, palabi!)

Christmas Cheers!

Proud and happy to see these!!! I wish I have my own here as well... makes me miss Cebu a lot more! The people behind these cupcakes and the sweetness that comes with it. Secretly wishing someday soon, my family can just travel back home on a whim without worrying about expenses but until I haven't sold billions of these treats, I still can't LOL!

I can't believe my "baby" is turning two next year. Oh the things I went through, the tears I cried, and the laughter as well. I remember the birth pains (still having it) and the ordeal everyone in the team went through in each booking. Everything done with love, passion, and joy. Despite the tantrums from stress and pressure, everyone managed to pull it through. At times, I have doubts -- as to why I'm doing it and for what. Then again, I am reminded why this baby needs to well and do good. It has been created to achieve a bigger dream, baby steps.

Sooner, we will get there. We will fill the world with sweetness and serve a lot more families by providing opportunities. Hopefully this will last beyond my lifetime!

Christmas cheers to you all =)

I Carry You In My Heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings ~

***

Don't you just adore this poem? It is rather cheesy but sweet. I am excited for our sixth anniversary. There is nothing grand planned, just us and our little boy. The picture above looks aged as if we've been married a couple of decades ago, I guess the webhost does wonders to jeopardize the resolution.

Well anyway, life has been pretty cold and sluggish lately. There is not much room to move around because I am bigger. Much that I wanted to rush things if I have it my way, I must just be calm and quiet. My man has been a constant source of delight and fun. The cold has kept us indoors and I absolutely love our time together. I am glad he doesn't go out to party with peers, but wait -- what peers? LOL!

Our mundane routine over the past years have become my joy and source of inspiration to do well and way better. I think I have grown a lot since then. We manage each other's tempers and craziness, gently and gracefully. It has been fruitful with another munchkin on the way. What could be grander? There are a lot of blessings to be thankful for (never mind the worries on the side), and there are mor wonderful surprises to look forward to. After all, we both believed (more than a decade ago) that the future holds so much for us! And that, amen.

Chinese Zodiac

Occupying the 6th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Snake symbolizes such character traits as intelligence, gracefulness and materialism. When it comes to decision-making, Snakes are extremely analytical and as a result, they don’t jump into situations. They are effective at getting the things they want, even if it means they have to scheme and plot along the way.

Snakes do work very hard, but they have a tendency to be job-hoppers as they become easily bored. Their somewhat laid-back attitude causes them to be mistakenly categorized as slackers, but nothing could be further from the truth! Snakes are very creative and extremely diligent. They’re excellent problem-solvers and thrive under tight deadlines.

Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others. However, they’ll be the ones to decide when a relationship has potential and when it does not.

Fire Snakes are more extroverted, forever offering opinions and telling others what’s on their minds. Even so, others enjoy listening to Fire Snakes. They’re very persuasive and are especially good at convincing others that their ways are best.
(Source: Chinese Zodiac)

***
It's funny! The husband and I had so much fun reading our Chinese signs. It gave us a good laugh. Why don't you check yours?!

Sorting Out

There are ways of things sorting out by themselves. But I don't really rely on that, I need to be on top of things, come what may. That is why when things go haywire I end up pissed and hypertensive and bald la! There are worries and woes beyond my grasp, where I feel helpless. On the other hand, there are worries that can be avoided if I am patient enough to wait. This reminds me of how impatient I have become of late... two minutes takes too long! I was heating a cup of milk in the microwave and while waiting I think I've gone to the restroom, answered a phone call, and came back to the microwave with still half a minute left! I yelled out of frustration! What is happening to me?

Maybe I am not as graceful and cool as I thought I was once. Could be my mad high strung twin is back... which I have welcomed with so much delight! LOL!

You see because of some stressful problem yesterday, I managed to tidy up the laundry room which I am so proud! All that folding while on the phone (talked to three friends!). Don't be surprised if I ring you and you hear some scrambling, it's because you can't expect me to linger on the phone while I just lounge... no can't do! Someone dear taught me that even brushing her teeth while on the phone eek! Bwahahaha!

So now, despite feeling sick with this nasty cold (and the literal cold, it's -8C) I feel a bit better because the mental stress has been resolved. Now it's time to call a dermatologist to consult with, I have a bald spot (pahak!) and it's no joke! Grrr!

Christmas In My Heart

I have been Christmas-happy-weepy since Thanksgiving Day. My little family set up the tree a day before the holiday here. The little one was so amazed to see the lighted tree when he woke up from his afternoon nap. The husband and I were mesmerized by how wonderful Christmas means now that we have a son and another one on the way (which we can't help but feel excited about the next year's holiday). We played Christmas songs while decorating, the little one jiggled and wiggled to Jingle Bells, Feliz Navidad, and to his now-favorite Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was pure joy to be celebrating thanksgiving this way... all about family and the blessings we have been so grateful about.

The tree is now four years old, we got this fake plastic one when our son was born. That year, it was bare naked of decors, just the multi colored lights and the son's 'first' stocking. We didn't care. At least I didn't even bothered to exert effort, post partum stress does that to you (even if Christmas was my favorite holiday). Then I got a set of assorted trimmings all in silver in 2006. All these ornaments still intact and still proudly hanging up to these very holiday. Thank goodness the little one never ate one of them. He was such an angel baby.

The other day, I wept and sobbed and had to go the bathroom to hide my grieving. It's the holidays and I'm supposed to be happy. But I can't help but feel a little home sick while listening to Kasadya Ning Taknaa over youtube. I remembered my family, being a kid, seeing my parents get busy with Christmas -- preparing Noche Buena... going to Carbon at the wee hours to get fresh fruits and whatnots, listening to mananaygon, and pabuto. I miss the smell of Christmas back home, the familiar scent, the yuletide cheer despite the hard times, the Christmas in my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving Indeed =)

Our little family (including the little munchkin in the bun) celebrated our first thanksgiving by ourselves. It was sweet and memorable! I can't wait to have both kids around the house while I prepare for a small feast. I like it this way, intimate for immediate family only. It's less stressful, I am the hostess and the commander in chief. And since my guests are my boys, I didn't have to worry about sleeping too much in the afternoon that I woke up scrambling to bake the cupcakes, roast the chicken, and make the pasta. We had dinner at 8:30 when I was so adamant of having an early dinner at 6:00! Bwehehe! Clean up was even a breeze...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Six Years Soon

Summer 2009. Cebu, Philippines

Last night, it was like flood. I cried until I got tired. Maybe it is the hormones (a very safe excuse), maybe it's all these overwhelming emotions, thoughts, and worries the past few days. I read my old notebook (journal like) where I wrote poems and letters for my husband, plans, budget and expense account, work stuff, and what have yous.

It was heartbreaking to read all that longing. I remember how I cried that very night he left for the US in 2000. We kept the faith, held on to the dream that we will soon be together someday, and optimistic about the wonderful surprises the future awaits for us. He wrote once "the future holds so much for us..." and we believe it until now.

Then I stared at him, sleeping peacefully beside me. We are together now! We are living the future we once talked about. Now, we have a different set of struggle -- chores, errands, bills, kids, investments, retirement, family -- our life! He takes out the trash, does what I ask him to do and calls me the queen now (used to be princess), wakes up when I am hungry or when the little one needs to go potty in the middle of the night, and most of all for letting me be.

I cried because I merely wasted so much time getting crazy and stupid. There were times when I was so ungrateful of what I have. Several of them resenting him, how could I? Why did I even think of that? I was so sorry for having to put him through it. I was adjusting, I was finding myself amidst all these... I wish I just enjoyed it fully and did not spend time entertaining the idle thoughts of the devil.

Now, almost six years... it is still amazing! I love this man so much! I thank God for giving him to me. This year, we will be at our son's school for his Christmas program and that already is quite a celebration for our little family together with my bump (our little munchkin).

I pray that things will get even better in the years to come. I hope I will not go through periods of self doubt and insecurity anymore. Oh please, I want to keep my groove forever and ever!

Nesting Much?

Felt like I've done so much, but really I just mopped and cleaned the living areas. Upstairs is a monstrous task of vacuuming which awaits for me, not to mention the heaps of dirty linens that needs washing. Down the laundry room is another scary task that I still put off, until kingdom come! I know I have to deal with it, I need to fold the clean ones to make room for the new loads, I need to iron if need be the clothes that wrinkled to its glorious state! Hay...

The husband has already set up the playpen and a multi-purpose table by our bedside, getting ready for the baby. I need to clean the playpen and put together a mattress and whatnots for it to become the night time nook for the little one. The crib has long been assembled last March when I babysat for only three weeks. It will remain in the loft, so if the baby is there during daytime I can hear her wherever in the house I would be (not unless I am in the basement working out, assuming I will). Other baby toys and whatnots are out of its box from the storage area. I need to disinfect and wash a few of them. Oh I can't wait to put it together, and make a decent nursery area.

There are still things that I need to get. I think we'll grab a few of them this coming weekend at Babies R Us clearance sale! Which reminds me... it's already Thanksgiving... means the holidays are here and we need to set up the tree and the advent wreath! These are the only two crucial decors that I make do with every year. The belen of course sits on our fireplace mantle all year long.

One day, I will boast that I am on top of all my chores! And that I am superwoman!!! That I can manage to blow dry my hair, curl or straighten it before I get out of the house... and carry on with make-up and whatnot just to take my son to school... never mind that it's snowy outside... and never mind that I will soon be lugging a basket with a baby too. I hope I will be sane as I proclaim this victory. I may not be, you know LOL!

If I am too confusing, pardon me. It's really late, I am tired, pissed, and quite hungry! Tomorrow is a Monday that I am not looking forward to. Kay kapoy ko!

The Weeks Ahead

Hopefully the weather will be bearable. Let's face it, I'm in Colorado and it's almost winter (when actually it has long been a wintry place here since September and bouts of sunny spring-fall like balm, weird) so I can't really ask for a very cooperative weather, just bearable is enough. This is because I will be sending the little one to and from his school thrice weekly in the afternoons. Of course, we always have a choice to skip school when the weather gets really nasty. Afterall, it's not like he's in college!

I am looking forward to a two and a half hour of break time without the little guy. I will have time to read a book at school's hallway. Yes, I will just hang because I can't drive and paying a cab is costly. Besides, it will be fun meeting moms and volunteers at the school and of the church (he goes to our parish' school). The question now, is what to do when the baby comes? Will it be okay to just drag her with me too? Oh she will be peacefully nested in her basket, but what if she throws a fit? Boink! I will cross the bridge when I get there!

So now, the action plan is to drive! Yah right! I've been meaning to but wait... what was stopping me? Oh yah, my documents. Now, that I'm ready to practice and get a license I can't because I'm pregnant! Why is it that every time I plan to get my driver's license, the bump gets in the way? Or really? Excuses my fart! LOL!

Roasting Chicken

I have been meaning to roast this chicken since last week. The plan was to make it for Siroy's birthday but since the bird was still frozen, I had to wait! I have been thawing it in the fridge until it bled and I had to clean the fridge prior to marinating it. Now, I don't have lemongrass so I can try out Mai's recipe. But did make my own, and despite being very late at night I just had to make it... because well, I didn't have dinner.

Here's how I did it:

- rub the chicken with salt, black pepper, and throw in some dried rosemary

- leave chicken with rub for about 8 hours (or overnight)

- preheat oven at 425F, while preheating stuff chicken with diced butter (approximately one stick), green onions, tomatoes, lemon wedges, garlic, rosemary

- squeeze a wedge of lemon outside the chicken

- insert small dices of butter in between the skin (sort of like surgery)

- cover roasting pan w/foil, bake for an hour

- remove drippings, save for later

- continue roasting at 350 F for 35 minutes, uncovered

- baste chicken with drippings and two tablespoons of soy sauce

- roast for about 25 mins more, still at 350F

- baste chicken with drippings and soy sauce again

- broil for 15 minutes and that's it!

Chicken came out crispy like that of Maxx's, tender and juicy inside with a lemony and buttery flavor. I have to make gravy but I just had it with rice and I didn't need any dip at all! It's a very hearty midnight snack for me! If only I had Coke! Waaaah!

(no pictures, chicken massacred before press time)

The Fridge

Cleaning up and throwing away stuffs not needed or has past it's expiration date is similar to weeding out bad thoughts that can ruin one's day. Although cleaning up seems a lot faster, the latter needs a little bit of soul searching and a lot of courage and strength. Sometimes, I wish I will just be filled with happy hormones sans whatever that antagonizes it!

I need a chill pill to get me through a boring day and an achy bugan! There are still loads of laundry to do and fold! GRRR! Too many things to clean up... but why fuss about it? I just have to... it feels like I can't move on to the other tasks and projects if I can't have everything pleasant!

Today, the fridge was a very urgent matter. The frozen bird I thawed was bleeding out from its plastic! I had to wash it and disinfect the racks... unless of course, I want to be sick with salmonella and from whatever microbes. I also find myself scrubbing the toilet more often than planned... oh well. The domestic bliss and whatnots.

I don't think a house help would do me any help. Everything is all in the mind! Bow!

Friendships

The least we can do is save ourselves from shame. It's human nature. We try to cover up whatever it is, so people wouldn't think we have lots of dirty laundry or skeletons in the closet (whatever you call it). If someone finds out how pretentious we have been, it will bite us in the ass. When in front of our friends, we let our guard down, we become the real person, we talk about our innermost thoughts and all cards laid out on the table. No secrets, no pretenses.

***

We treasure our friends, keep them for life, hold them dear, never fail them. They are extension to our family. They are our wings when the world seem to be so awful. They lift us up, they cheer us sharing our victories, and cries with us during our downfall.

***

Many times I grew fond of friends, some are no longer mine to keep because... some are like my sisters now. Years of friendship and more years to come. I look forward to seeing them. The ones I let go, are the ones I am glad to not have anymore.

***

I don't mince well my words. I utter them with sheer delight when I am happy. I spew evil spell when I'm furious. I don't think I can handle stress well. You would know how much I care for you when you see me pretty much in my darnedest and hear me laugh out loud my oh too surprising boisterous thunder!

***

I am missing my friends so terribly. I wish they are just in the neighborhood. You know who you are! *hugs*

Celebrating Our Dearly Departed

I don't know what I dreamt about but I woke up crying. My sad thoughts were overwhelming.

I thought of you Papa, I thought and prayed for you. I know you are in peace now. You haven't visited me in my dreams anymore. I wish you were here to enjoy my little one. Oh his smile reminds me of how cheerful you are. And I think he got his mischiefs from your side too!

I remember you never spoke that much... but your words were never hurtful. I wish we had more conversations, more laughter, more time. I wish your disease didn't get the best of you while I was growing up. But everything is too late... I celebrate you, I remember you, I still mourn. One can never get over that.

You and Mama would have enjoyed your time together, alone in the house, with your roosters, her plants. She would have been less lonely and weird. Oh we all long for you. Things haven't been the same since your passing on.

Happy feast day to you and all of you!

The Halloween

Happy halloween weekend to all of you! Our little one had a blast trick or treating at the Denver Zoo! Yes, we headed to the zoo for some family fun -- juggler, magician, treats -- although we missed the magic show, it was still a bright Saturday =)

On his first trick or treating expedition! The zoo had several booths like this... it was an awesome trip. I have all the treats since he can't have the candy bars with all its milk and peanuts!

But the best part was him really enjoying his costume! This was worth every penny, he is still wearing it to this day! Hahaha!!!

I Want That

(Seoul, South Korea)

I kissed him goodnight and told him to sleep well because tomorrow is going to be halloween!

"It's halloween! It's halloween! Weee!" He shrieked with glee, just as I've told my husband that maybe it wouldn't really hurt if we don't get our little boy a costume this year. My bad! I can't forgive myself for denying him this sheer joy...

(Talisay, Cebu)

Earlier this evening, we went to the party store and looked for a costume. It only took us a few minutes. He knew what he wanted and as he saw the display he knew he just have to be a fireman. We got a size, he tried it on, and never took it off. We checked out and got home, and he wanted to show it off to his Mommy E in Cebu.

As I kissed him goodnight, he was tired but smiling. He was looking forward to wearing his costume tomorrow. I want that joy, I want that peace, I want that... for him, for everyone.

Happy halloween!

Shouldn't Bother

There are more to life than the whatnots. What the snowstorm brought was peace and quiet. A loving and warm home is so comforting that the snow glistening outside seem like a picturesque of sort. I know I wouldn't feel the same way if I have to drive my bum to wherever I needed to be. I asked the husband to skip work today because it's just ridiculous to risk driving in the middle of a snowstorm/blizzard and our community is well buried. Our trash is still outside the walkway, only the universe can tell how we will be able to stroll it back to the garage. The husband would need to shovel a foot of snow so we can meet our appointments tomorrow.

The point is, I love being home with my boys. Watching Fringe episodes at yulu (awesome) and singing my way through the kitchen. I am happy and excited about the uncertainties and the possibilities that will come our way. I should not be bothered by the little pinch God will give us. At least we know things are going 'normal' as it is supposed to.

As I clasp both hands, I fervently wish that we will get our questions answered before this year ends. And that we may be guided to do everything according to the great plan of the architect up there. May we be formidable despite the trials and may we be pliable to adjust to changes. I wish we will bend like the bamboo!

Life is beautiful, I know it is...

In Silence

How do you console yourself? How do you let your worries escape you? We cry in silence, hoping that some day things will get better and brighter. We whisper to our hearts not to despair. We hug ourselves and pray.

There are no words apt for something you feel helpless about. You can only just stand there, be there, and watch... just be there. You need to be strong, even stronger than what you've always been. You hold on to that string of happiness and bliss.

With God's love, we ask for more compassion and understanding... that we will go through life unscathed not allowing every bit of pain to affect our young children. We ask for strength and grace to handle whatever life throws at us.

We hope, we pray.

My Girls

A day before I left Cebu, I went to have dinner with these lovely ladies. They've kept my vacation wonderful as always. I am already missing them. Some are not here, you know who you are. But rest assured, you were all with us in spirit and in chismis LOL! Next year, when we all get together we will be a big family!!! Oh my gulay!!!

"Koreanini" hairstyle, both of us went to Tony and Jacky's for a hair chop hehehe! We would have wanted to go together, but she said her husband wouldn't want her to crop her locks. So I went ahead of her not knowing she was planning to ask me to come with her too, how creepy. Gadungan gyud ug huna huna! Oh well, so here it is our new hairstyle. Back in March, we got our haircut at about the same time with an almost same style. Spooky!

And here are the lovely ladies, who laugh with all their might... if you've heard Mimi laugh, you know your insides will jiggle like crazy that you would need disposable underpants! Then you couple that with Jane's 'hyena' and 'halloween' shrill you will definitely either jolt or roll on your belly with tears hahaha!!!

The food was great, the company was even more fabulous! I can only dream of you my dearest friends... but until our next gabfest we will see each other in our cyber neighbourhood! Sending you my hugs and kisses on this beautiful, sunny, albeit cold Monday morning =D

The Winter

It's a bit too early for winter, but oh well it feels like it is already here. It's cold, cloudy, dreary outside. It's even chilly inside the house. Something like this makes me want to snuggle and do nothing else. But alas, the world has to start because my little ball of energy woke me up. Can't linger in bed when there are hungry mouths to feed including myself. The husband is still indulging, after all he didn't take a nap yesterday, stayed up late, and woke up early to feed the other little one who woke the household because it's already morning he said.

Maybe it's the weather, I really hope it is. I am feeling this melancholy. This longing to gab and just laugh with all my might. This pang that only girl-friends can fill. I am missing you all, oh so terribly. I don't know where the perfect home would be, but it must exist. There should be a little nook in this world that could fit us all in together with all our loved ones.

Now, I'm back in my kitchen with tales about my thoughts and whatnots. I am back to that quite familiar scent of nostalgia. The last thing I want is for that crazy dark old soul to eat me up without me noticing it. Life is too short for these demons. I resolve to be happy always, because maybe, just maybe these are just pregnancy hormones or the lack of anything better to do but sulk.

Here's wishing that the aroma of the rice cooker and coffee pot will awaken me from this emotional slumber or jetlag... and enjoy this supposedly SUNday. Oh what a bummer!

My Pregnant Buddy

Isn't it amazing to trek motherhood the second time around with a soul sister?! A dear friend who is (almost) family to me already... we are due one week apart of each other, I can't help but giggle and look forward to the possibility of going through labor together =)

***

Jopie, sending my love to you, Ben, and Baby Benjamin!!!

***

I have another wonderful news, but it's not my story to tell... (invisible).

When You Wish Upon A Star <2010>

I reviewed my checklist last year and thought that I haven't really accomplished much yet and 2009 is about to end. But I am most grateful for getting the wish I secretly prayed for... a little angel, a beautiful gift!

Below are some nuggets of what I want for 2010:

• I pray that for next year, my little family will be healthy and safe. May I have the most graceful labor and a wonderful delivery!
• Sanity, I'd like to buy it if I must! I don't ever want to go down in that dark nook with my own crazy thoughts. I refuse to even entertain the possibility of going through the same hell all over again!!!
• A bountiful year, prosperous business endeavours, bonuses, and a FATTER bank account for me...
• To be able to drive around town, so I can drop and fetch my little boy to school. It's about time, he will be turning five. I don't mind driving our old car but a minivan would be a lot nicer.
• So, a minivan please the red or black one. You know that one in the H shop, I loved it!
• That oh so elusive DSLR! Still D90 on my list, still elusive. But if I achieve number 3, I should be able to tick off the ones that followed. Oh please, please!!!
• Party platters in different sizes, shapes, and colors. Need I explain? I love kitchen stuffs.
• A full time nanny/help in time for my delivery and recovery, and a part timer aftwerwards.
• I'd like a red purse, good size, durable. Perfect for a mom of two (read: almost a diaper bag), can handle stress, vomit, spit, emergency kits, and whatnots.
• A new make-up kit -- eye shadow, blush, lipsticks, eye liners, mascara, nail polish, lip gloss -- that comes in a bag. I think I still would prefer an Estee =P
• PJs, tank tops, shirts, shorts, bedroom slippers, furry, cosy, and comfy...
• A gift certificate to a spa so I can have my nails done, massage, facial, and whatever pampering I can think of prior to and after giving birth. Sorry, I am so indulgent.
• Oh I would love to have that rock garden in the backyard with the little ones' swing set and sand box...
• Love, happiness, good health, good fortune, LOVE! Another wonderful year with my dearest husband... another set of memories... LOVE!

Wishing upon a star... dreaming on a rainbow... may the 2010 be truly magical!

Back...

Quite quiet lately... my thoughts escape me every time I try to update my site. I have scribbled a few in my tiny tickler notebook which I carry all around but found no time in posting them. I have pictures to share and stories to tell... but where to start?

• I am now back in the US. Got here on the 19th, Monday morning after a very nasty and turbulent flight. I guess crossing the Pacific Ocean when a super typhoon is brewing is not a pretty good idea. I think my bum jumped a foot before it landed back on my seat. The passengers who were luckily awake screamed a lot. I kept quiet and held on to my son's hand for comfort and one hand over my belly. I had to pretend and glee with delight every time the plane rocks as if we're at the adventure zone somewhere out there. My son didn't show a sign of fear and trauma. By far, that was the worst flight I've ever had! It wasn't pleasant to be four months pregnant in that turmoil, I didn't want to move lest provoke myself to vomit. I am happy we made it... wanted to do a sun dance the moment we landed!
• If you've travelled via LAX, you will know what I mean by unpleasant and rude. However, the universe conspired with me that someone helped me picked up my luggages from the carousel and brought me to the arrival gate! What a relief! At least something came out good from that flight. =)
• I am getting bigger. What do you expect? LOL!
• Still jetlagged, waking up at midnight and falling asleep at three in the afternoon. Oh I can't wait to be home this Friday! See you my LOVE!
• Prior to coming here, I was like a headless chicken doing errands and tying up loose ends. Had to accomplish the very reason of my trip... and in between, I had to indulge myself with treats that I can only dream about when I am back in my own queendom! Massage, facial, manicure and pedicure, haircut and hair treatments!
• I miss my sisters and my girls! I don't want to elaborate because I will cry... =(
• Baby is kicking up a storm, kicks are past my belly button already!
• Struggled at the bathroom awhile back, little boy is very constipated. He was crying a lot! My poor baby... good thing "it" came out after I sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow! =P
• The little one and I stayed at the Incheon (Seoul) Airport Transit Hotel for a good six hours! We slept a lot! Thank God, we were able to rest prior to that horrible trip! Yes, it was blissful to enjoy that sleep while waiting for our flight to LA.
• What else? Again, I babble and I don't know what to say anymore....

Until next time!

Two Weeks

I have two weeks to furnish the things I need to do here, to accomplish the main purpose of my travel, to meet friends, make use of my time, and to have quality time with my family. I am leaving on the 19th that is two Mondays from today. It's three weeks ahead of my original return flight but I felt the need to go back this soon because I can't prolong the agony of being away from the husband who is not doing so well with his health and all alone at home.

Bursting

I feel like I am about to burst into tears, into nothing.

I don't like this at all. I am like a love sick fool!

I think I am going home sooner than planned.

Vent vs Rant

There is a beauty in venting out whatever comes out of your mouth to friends who listen without judging you. They are souls sent from heaven who just make you feel better in spite of... It is amazing how blabbers become so therapeutic despite its incoherence and nonsense. I thank God for the many blessings He has given me. I thank God for friends like you!

***

On the other note, I rant and rant these days. The mood swings drive me crazy(ier)! I feel like there is an amazona waiting to come out of my body armed ready to behead anybody who crosses my way. I am feisty and sometimes petty. I wonder how long this will last because I never experienced this in my first pregnancy... I always find myself being impatient, irritable, critical, and hostile. I open my mouth without thinking. God knows I may get into trouble one of these days. This explains why I am better off at home with my family or out and about but with myself only.

***

There are so many things to rant about, yet so many treasures to be grateful for. I'd rather be grateful than otherwise. After all, life is too short for this nonsense. Oh please help me...

I am terribly missing my husband. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Yes Mai, when the lights are off it's okay to cry. The pangs of loneliness and having to go through the night without that strong arm around you is petrifying. But I woke up alright, I didn't die, I'm okay. I got the bug and so did the little one. Soon this household will be having coughing fits and runny nose.

The 'busy happy' can help me get through this, afterall in a few weeks time I will be back to Colorado. I would really like to enjoy my pregnancy joys and worry about the little woes with my husband. Never mind that I am living like the queen bee here. I miss our little family together in our own little nook. Soon...

As predicted, the little one woke up looking for his dad and cried a little. No tantrums, thank God but his cough sounds terrifying. Sigh! I just want to sleep... but I need to see a doctor just in case my son needs some medication.

Sunday, lazy day. I wish my man was here. Sundays are too sad without him... =(

The Movie Date

It was unplanned. Our first time to ever watch a movie together, alone., since we became parents. We both enjoyed it, not because of the movie but because it made us relax. Movie theaters used to be our secret nook to make out and whatnot, but now it has become a place of respite. I can smell the aroma of salonpas in the not so distant future with how our lives have changed now. We laughed about the thought!

***

The husband is now on board his flight back to Colorado. We are terribly missing each other. And I am sad and sad. I don't know how to pick myself up. I am worried about him because he will come home to an empty house with a viral infection. I wished his doctor here could have just told him to stay a bit longer. I never want to see him sick.

***

After our sumptuous lunch with dear friends, I treated him for a full aromatherapy massage. What do you know.... oh well, we met the source of my constipation the entire day. Never mind. I will sleep it off. I will laugh it off. I am in a better place to even fuss about it.... summoning all the positive energy this universe can bring. OHM!

***

The little one sobbed when I told him his Dad is leaving for Colorado. I almost cried with him. I had to distract him with tickles and magic so he will laugh again. Tomorrow, I don't know what will happen when he finds out Dad is no longer in Minglanilla.

***

I wanted to kick myself in the spine when I saw a missed call from him. I was already in the bathroom when he rang a few minutes before his flight took off. I never want to miss moments like this. Sigh! Oh, soon we don't have to say bitter goodbyes anymore... SOON!

***

Cherish the moments you spend with your loved ones... or it will pass you by.

Silent But Not Quiet

Since the husband arrived last September 5, I have been back on my feet and felt like a headless chicken wandering around Cebu City and Metro Manila while trying to find the most comfortable posture and whatnots to enjoy leisurely my time spent with him.

***

I had the great time spending the early afternoons and evenings with the Siroy! I know how wonderful it is to live within her neighborhood... I wish we didn't have to leave... SIGH! I love Makati (at least the business district), and I remembered how I enjoyed my time around the area when I was still a lot younger and a bit foolish. I enjoyed Greenbelt the most, with all those kiddie and mommy shops along with Timezone and Gymboree too!

***

We've been meeting friends and business associates. We've been feasting and feasting. Argh! Good thing I didn't gain much after all that.

***

I roasted myself but obviously enjoyed it! I like swimming at high noon when the sun is at its fury! I am sore but grinning. It was good to see the team enjoy and relax after a long weekend at the exhibit and a banquet.

***

Tomorrow, is his birthday and I am excited! We are preparing a little celebration with just family and the team...

***

And now I am sad... I don't want him to leave. Our little family is sooo at home here now!!! Plus, he is not really oh too well. I hope he doesn't have dengue. Hahay!

Blessings

This is our first time to be together as family in our new home in Minglanilla. Well it's an old house, but it's a new home for us. The little one is very happy to have his dad around. I can see his eyes excited and always cheerful! Cebu is indeed home, if only we can stay here together forever... I am happy to be blessed with my little family and the big family living in this nook. Sometimes I wish we can uproot the space we got in Colorado and move it back here. Hehehe!!!

The Battle That Is Homework

I never thought it would be this hard! But the daily worksheets of my son may have stressed me out to some degree and I may have traumatized him too. He cried a couple of times because I have been such a monster of a tutor. I have no patience and clearly being pregnant makes me even worse! This is only one subject... waah!

Happy Birthday My Love!

You're four now! My little boy wonder, you've become so smart and sweeter each passing day. I will forever treasure these moments with you. Soon, you will go to the big boy school and you will have your own set of adventures without mommy. Be brave, be gentle, be kind, be wise, and be a joy to the people around you! I love you so much!!!

How Are You?

I've been in Cebu for almost two weeks already... time flies, and I should get my act together because I can feel my pregnancy woes catching up with me. There are things to iron out from my beautiful mind, and errands to do. Plus, the little one has daily worksheets and I think I should be the one to mentor him.

I miss being in my nook back in CO. Everything is familiar with me. I know the cupboards and shelves. Here I feel like a stranger in my own home. I feel helpless sometimes and ultra lazy. I am not complaining, just stating a fact.

I miss sleeping in with my little one, catching up with friends, and whatnots. I miss how simple it is to stay home and not having to spend a dime.

I miss my husband. I miss our couple time. I miss our family time. We should be together. I wish we will be able to do what we want without being apart anymore. I wish he can be here too for a long time with me.

Oh but I enjoy the pampering here! How my sibs and my mother indulge me... and how they happily take care of Akio. There are so many things I don't have to worry about anymore, like cleaning the house, cooking, washing the dishes, and laundry! YEY!

Life is beautiful, it may not be perfect... never mind, I know something's gotta give sometimes.

***

I miss my online friends, I miss their blogs, I miss our chats. You know who you are. I am sorry if I can't just be that diligent blog hopping anymore. But if you email me, I promise to answer you promptly =)

Some Thoughts

How amazing how life evolves. How some people never changed after decades and decades, how some are so different, how a few have improved themselves, while the rest are stucked in a rut... some are still angry like teenagers, some are sore losers who blame everyone but themselves over their demise, a few triumphed and living the good life.

Online social groups and networks showcases albums of old friends, their life, their milestone, etc. It's funny to look at and some are down right pathetic. Well, it is their profile anyway. Some are disgustingly an excuse to feature their insecurities, and a few are proof of how senseless being idle can do. I have no right to judge them. I am entertained and amused but sometimes appalled to some extent.

I'm babbling, I can't specify details. I won't. I have an option, I can hide them and never see their updates ever again and there's always the delete button too.

How do you filter all these non sense in your inbox?

A Slight Detour

After losing a couple inches off my waist and slowly shrinking back to my pre-baby body, this happened. A beautiful surprise indeed! My fitness regimen will take a slight detour from now on. I will not be counting how much weight I will have to lose but monitor how much I will gain. Never mind that I had five more pounds to shed and an inch to lose... now I'm hoping I will gain perhaps 25 lbs only.

I may end up frequenting this new hub... hope you visit me there =)

Little Blessings

Garden of the Gods. Colorado Springs @ July 2009

Thankful for friends who put me in perspective! I know there are so many blessings that I should be grateful for... I am sorry for ranting and complaining. I am sorry for being like this. The world is beautiful, there are so many things that make my life wonderful:

• I see my family together every day... this is a big thing in this society where both parents are off work leaving the kids to day care or school, where parents and children do not often see each other every day due to work shifts and whatnots.
• I have something to be busy of, never mind if they are brain numbing chores...
• SO many things to look forward to!

***

On the other hand, my heart is crushed at the same time comforted that my friend Winnie passed away. She has struggled with cancer since 2001. May she rest in peace!

Boys and Girls

We are wired differently. I see my son interacting with girls his age, and you would understand the dynamics already at that very tender age. Boys are active and objective, girls are delicate and sensitive. Boys are full of mischiefs, girls are full of fancies.

Despite knowing the differences, some things do not end up as pleasant as I want it to be. I am afterall a woman, not a man. I am made up by my own psyche. There are little details that needs to be taken care of, there are things that should not be taken for granted. Otherwise, I get cold and that's not nice at all.

Sometimes I wish I do not have to react, to understand with so much love and compassion... but I can only do so much. I am woman, not superwoman (yet). Thus, I complain and rant but not too often though.

I may be difficult to understand, but you don't have a choice =P

The Sun

the sun kissed me and made my day!

something about this beautiful weather...

wish winters are not as dreary anymore.

i'm trying hard to pick up myself,

from a foul mood, from temper tantrums.

lately, everything is a bore.

despite all the things that i need to do.

it's funny how playing narcissa can do... LOL!

(played with the web camera to change my headshot)

H.A.P.P.Y.

The weekend that was... awesome and couldn't be more happier! Our little family went to the husband's company summer party at Denver Zoo. We went a couple hours earlier and enjoyed the zoo which our son loves so much! This picture says it all! It doesn't really take much to be happy... having my own family -- a husband and a son... need I say more?

Lord, thank you! This family has been the greatest gift so far... you know what I will say next! {Please surprise me with another gift please...}

Do you hear me,

I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

My New Baby

abangan.

Lighten The Load

Grabbed a pen and had fun with this! I discovered that I am all these based on the strokes of my penmanship:

• logical
• shy
• tensed and restricting oneself
• skeptical
• intellectually probing and ambitious

A little too boring, it may be true... hehehe!!!

Lilies, roses, tulips.

Petunias, daisies, and daffodils.

Paints the gloomy world with colors.

Someday soon, we'll be together...

Your cheeks, your giggles, your whines.

You. I can't wait to hold.

Curry: The Aftermath

THE HOUSE STINKS!!! It got worse when we close the windows last night, with the A/C on and fan the stench just sticks to you!!! As if I am haunted with this body odor following me wherever I go. I have a very strong sense of smell, maybe because God blessed me with healthier nostrils. Now, I am lighting a candle and opened the patio door and will bake something to change the aroma in this household. So far, leche flan gives the perfect smell... creamy vanilla mmmmmmmm!

On the other note, the spicy scent must have inspired me to toil with my beautiful mind. I wasn't able to sleep until almost nine this morning. I designed something and thought of a new baby for the kitchen. I am excited, I hope this works! And then I thought some more of pursuing my love for food and the arts, for my soul, for my retirement?! Hehehe!!!

Caught up with some episodes of the teleseryes too... working from home is awesome... I get to be creative, I watch TV online, I chat with friends, I do business meetings online, I do sales calls, I answer queries, feed my son, clean the house, cook, and go to the gym... everything in arm's reach... but exhausting though. Ah, I still prefer this than being cooped up in a cubicle somewhere.

My cousin will be here tomorrow have to do a mad dash tidying up the place. The husband won't be able to help me because he is not off work tomorrow argh! I've been spoiled...

Curry In My Kitchen

What to make for dinner? It helps when you have a friend an hour delayed from where you live hehehehe! Suggestions like, "why not have chicken curry for dinner?" can get you out of a cooking rut! Surely. My boys will be tired of the sweetened adobo like marinade I've been feeding them, and oh the pasta in between. Now it's time to chop those onions and potatoes, and mince the garlic.

The little one is having the time of his life in the corner. He just ripped out a dvd cover! Grrr! It's not even ours! Nonetheless, curry it is for tonight.

Maybe I will escape to the gym while it's cooking... or perhaps fold laundry? Why do I always panic when it's almost dinner time? All I did today was watch back episodes of teleseryes! Ridiculous waste of my time. You know I slept at five in the morning just because of this teleserye too?! Nabuang nako 'day!

Leche Flan

As I wait for my leche flan to cook, I finished up more than one chapter of this book I recently got from the library. It is "Everyone is Beautiful" by Katherine Center. It is light and funny and apt for moms like me, it can be quite a horror story for women who are still over the moon dreaming about babies and a life with their soon to be spouses. Although it's a quick read and nothing fancy or sort, the message about motherhood and marriage is raw and real. Which made think of the following:

• I am happy with my life, no matter how chaotic it gets. Like now! I know I need to mop and clean and whatnots, but sometimes lying down with the little one until he dozes off to nap time is sweeter.
• I am grateful and quite flattered that my friends here adore the only two native desserts I know how to make -- leche flan and maja blanca. At least I've done a few stuffs right hehehe!!!
• How odd I became post partum... how I let myself go, and drown my esteem with crazy thoughts and how I digged my own demise just because I thought it was the case. I hope I will never go through that ever again!!!
• Life is forever and always will be beautiful with the friends I have... enough said ;-)
• It's true that 99% of your happiness depends on the partner you chose... because yes, I still want to be kissed that way -- his hands holding my head and with so much passion... =P

And the leche flan is done, I have to let it cool before I shock freeze it in time for the dinner party later. I hope the little one is asleep by now, so he has enough energy and social grace to mingle with others... as I try to finish this book.

Keep Moving Forward

If you've seen the movie Meet the Robinson's, you would know what I'm talking about.... here's to failures hehehe!!! It's an awesome movie about trying hard to achieve your goals... perserverance and diligence. Let's keep moving forward!

***

Another lovely week awaits... as I laze around to chill out songs in my YM radio. I plan to spend a couple hours and continue my light read while I cuddle with the bambino. I hope to start tackling the laundry room again, it has made its come back in full force! A mountain full of clothes await to be folded and tucked. No more complaining hehehe!

***

We have a guest coming for the weekend. We'll attend the husband's company party at the zoo this Saturday and perhaps drive through the rockies on Sunday! Yey! That would be great, I hope I still have the energy to finish my new site...

***

No point in complaining, doesn't help me one bit. I'll just have to enjoy the grind and gyrate with it... LOL!

Baby Woes

Another friend is pregnant with her second baby. I am jealous! I am happy for her... she and her husband have been trying to have their second little bundle of joy... we were pregnant buddies back in 2004. We haven't met since high school, but we've managed to chat over the phone and now on facebook. She buzzed me and told me her good news... waaah, I am jealous. When is it going to be my turn? My womb aches.

Too Much Of A Weekend

It feels like a Sunday. The husband was off on Thursday, I begged him to. He was up all night doing his project. Something we both hope will materialize (if God wills it)... I can't allow him to go to work without even a wink. We had a leisurely breakfast and slept all morning. It has been a series of all nighter, that's what I remember. But unlike him, I've been dozing off a lot more often during the day without a notice. At his office, the little one and I were playing, wrestling, and I just collasped on the floor. I woke up and it was rather late for me to put myself together to make dinner... we headed to Chili's (the little one's favorite).

Yesterday, we only had about two hours of sleep because we had an early meeting with our team in Cebu. After a hefty brunch, we took a nap and headed to the water park half an hour away from our house. We grabbed some Happy Meal and ate on our way, that was lunch. Oh the little one! He is such a water creature! We were having fun at the six inch pool hahah! How exciting! Wading and just watching him having the time of his life! It was hot but so far no burns... after that escapade we met with our friends who is pregnant again with their second child. Then we let the boys loose at some park within the city. It was a way too much of a day for the little boy! But he wasn't tired, he wanted to watch a movie by the time we got home!!!!! I had to be the monster and called it a night.

Today, I don't know why I woke up past noon! Embarrassing! We had a late lunch at four in the afternoon and what do you know, I slept while reading a book. Darn! Am I this lazy now? Am I becoming a cow? I wanted to do my usual weekend cleaning and laundry!!! Now, the kitchen is a mess and a mound-ful of laundry to be folded and tucked. I hate lazy weekends when the house is topsy turvy!!! I hate it, I can't relax.

I should go to the gym!

Mommy, Lately

The SON has kept me busy! Just like old times (as if it's that long!), we cuddle and laugh, tickle and run around the house like crazy! He's happier that way. Mommy no work, mommy all play. We watch videos in youtube, nursery rhymes, planets, etc. We sing and hop, we play, read a book, color, draw, paint, cut, paste, and sorts. At night time, we talk as if we're about the same age. It takes him forever to pack away his toys and an eternity to tell a story before he finally sleeps. But I cherish these days and moments with him, I know soon he will be too busy to be bothered by mommy.

This love, pure and wonderful, is something so precious! I am so happy! This young boy is making my life truly worth living for. He makes me feel guilty when I indulge myself with work and whatnots online. "Work again?" aaaaaaaaaaah it can tear me apart. "Mommy, can I play with you?" aaaa sweet!

While I feel like slacking with my duties as housekeeper and entrepreneur, I have been making up for my mommy duties daily with fervor and so much love. I am never going to trade motherhood for anything in the world!

Another Long Weekend

Today, was a bit lazy. Tomorrow, a party. On Sunday, rest day.

Happy 4th of July to you!!!

Happy Birthday Kaith!

Moving My Cheese

It's a constant struggle to find one's cheese. Would I know if I have that kind of cheese already in my pantry? How strong a grip would I have to hold on to it? Do I know when to let go and find new ones?

But really... I just want to become better. To move my own cheese when it matters... to let go... to just let go.

I need to motivate myself these days. I can't just give in to crappy days like these.

***

Had a wonderful weekend! Made me love Colorado a lot more... pics to come soon. Trekking with our four year old is so much fun! Oh how lovely the world has become through his eyes!!! I had to laugh at myself, peeing behind boulders is a huge feat! Syet! Shall not do it again!

***

A urinary tract infection caused my one week long fever, another week long of severe abdominal and lower back cramps, nausea and exhaustion! Rescheduling my appointment from July 10 to June 26 was a blessing in disguise indeed! Had I waited, I don't know what could have happened to my kidneys! Again, MOVING!

***

And oh the house magically transformed! It's great to have a husband like mine LOL! The loft that I've been dying to clean up, he did in a couple hours!

***

Health mishaps or death wish? Never mind.

cooking

Revising the kitchen's online hub, preview the test site... I would really appreciate to hear your comments and suggestions. You may send me a private message at my multiply or facebook, and I think you know my email address too =)

***

Didn't sleep last night. Slept for an hour by mid morning, right after a very looooong (scalding) hot shower... woke up for the little one. And now still working on the site... and doing laundry at the same time. I wonder when will I ever finish cleaning the house? I just want to collapse or maybe escape? Fly somewhere!

***

We have a guest for the weekend, her room is prepared but the house is not! Good luck to us!

break

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Tribute for Papa -- Repost from June 2004

Happy Father's Day Pa!

Last year, was my last moments with Papa. I remembered calling him on his birthday and father's day, and the only thing he can say is his shy "thank you" and "I'm fine!", then he goes "here's your Mama..."

I never really had a conversation with Papa as far as I can remember. He was always distant since I was always my Mama's girl. But I fondly recall how Papa used to play with me as soon as he gets home from the office. How he spoils me with a glass of milk every night before bedtime. Most often he does all the my household assignments so I can study or so. He had his own ways of being affectionate.

When, I came back from Hong Kong last August the complications brought about by his brain tumour has affected his daily routine. He threw up most of the times and became incontinent, could not walk nor sit straight. Somehow he could not control himself any longer. He started babbling about different things, recalling past friends and activities, at times he would not recognize us or his friends. You would think he is suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia at fifty six. His speech was slurred and his eyesight blurred. He was deterioriating.

Somehow, it was a blessing that I was always home - a fresh graduate with no full time job. He became my priority above other errands. Before leaving the house for meetings (preparing my wedding and doing freelance consultancy) I made sure he had breakfast and lunch, had his shower, changed his diapers and took his medications. I had to leave instructions to the caretaker as if a mother to a babysitter.

Everytime I'd leave him, he holds my hand oh so tight like a child clinging on to his parent right before leaving for work. Yes, he became our baby... He quietly sits in his chair, watching TV while everybody does their own thing. He doesn't complain, just sits there and smile. That I miss, greeting me everytime I'd come home.

Imagine the torture I went through when I was on my way back home last March? When he died, it was the worst day so far for me. Nothing comes close to losing a parent. I cannot even bring myself to look at his remains. I wanted to remember how he smiled everytime I arrived. That grin, even without saying a word gives the warmth of home. It was a sad homecoming indeed because the last time I saw him was my wedding day. He gave all his strength to see me walk down the aisle that day. I thought he'd still live the day to see his future grandkids. I was too optimistic.

Somehow, I feel guilty for having been an indifferent daughter at some point. I just hope that he died happy and loved. Happy Father's Day Pa! (",)