Love

Love will pull me out of this misery.
My mind is more powerful than what I think.
Love is even more powerful.

Questions?

When will this ever end?
When will I feel better?
When am I going to finish it?
Why am I like this?
What can I do?
Why do I feel like a failure?
Why am I not enough?
Who do I want to become?
Where is my piece of heaven?
When can I rest?
How did I let myself go?
How are you?

Suave

I almost always get tempted to try out "promising" new products. However, I try it with much skepticism expecting the worst possible outcome. For several months, I have seen advertisements of Suave Professional claiming to be as good as expensive salon products. Of course, I want my hair to look and feel nice all the time! So, I went ahead and tried their shampoo and this magical anti frizz serum (picture shown above).

It feels like I'm betraying my all time favorite shampoo since 2009 (thanks to my god daughter who introduced me to this), the Aussie Moist. The Suave shampoo and conditioner for dry hair, which promises to work like that of Aveda, does not make my hair feel as quenched and smooth the way my Aussie does. That is okay, at least I tried. 

Oh but the serum, yes the serum! I massaged it through my damp hair after towel drying it and left it at that. I did not have any time to blow dry it, besides it is very scorching outside now. The wind dried my hair naturally. Normally if I let my hair loose like that, it will be all over the place and would feel rough. This time, it was sleek and manageable. It looks tamed. My huge waves weren't disastrous, as if I blow dried it. Now, I am beginning to appreciate the random waves of my hair! It does not look as bad as I thought. Note that I always tie my hair in a pony or iron it out if I let it loose... I guess it is time to let my hair breathe hehehe!

Enough

You are good enough.

Even if your world doesn't feel so.

Despite that heaviness in your heart...

Smile, choose happy. Always.

A Birthday Wish

I will turn 35 next month and I am very excited! And my wish is to indulge myself with:

- a Kate Spade purse (white, camel, and/or black)
- a Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer
- Urban Decay Naked
- pointy toed stilettos (black and/or red)
- skinny and bootlegged jeans
- girly tops and tees
- yoga pants
- Church/party dress
- little black/red dress
- a pair of diamond studs
- diamond cross pendant on white gold/silver chain
- spanx swimsuit in black
- sundresses
- pink pjs and tanks (in diff colors)

I don't know if I will be able to hoard of them in one day... But I will surely start "shopping" after a long hiatus... I am sick of my maternity clothes!

Now, where to buy a new body? LOL!

Self

It has been a journey to look this happy. I have missed my smile. In my mind, I'm always grumpy. I think I look ugly and many more self loathing ... But why do I do this?

Let this be the year for me to rejoice God's gift to me, for me to appreciate what I have,  and embrace the effects of gravity and.childbirth. Must be why vanity is the devil's favorite sin (at least Al Pacino said so)...

There are more to life than these neuroses! More to life than worry, sadness... Choose love and happiness. Self, you listen!

Stila One Step Correct

I was at Ulta wandering aimlessly, since the lipstick that I wanted to buy wasn't available anymore. I savored my time alone while the boys were with their Dad at home. Testing some products would not hurt... I used to enjoy doing this many many years ago. My feet led me to a counter in Stila. Then, I found this! Looks like a DNA strand, looks very scientific! I thought I should try it hehehe!

It promised to even out my skin tone and banish the redness (which bothers me a lot, other than the dry spots). It felt like magic as I spread it all over my cheeks. I was so convinced I bought it right away. If I waited, I could have gotten the same thing online without taxes and shipping fee. Oh well, I have it now. It is a staple after I moisturize. I don't feel the need to use a foundation anymore. I wonder how this magic primer would do on a humid day... hmmm!

Sorry, I don't know much about reviewing a beauty product. I just thought that for a change, I might as well feature this one loot I got recently.

Looking Glass

Like a stranger looking through my life go by, like that someone else judging me from behind my back, like that... someone thinks ill of what I'm not doing right... in my mind, and that's me. Strange. Really. But I think I could do more than this... spread myself more. Even more thinly. Become a better person. A better wife. A better mom. Or am I just experiencing this so called (almost) midlife crisis now that I'm nearing my mid 30s? 

I need a change of perspective. I want it now. For weeks, I have been in that abyss drowned with my own thoughts and cynicism. I think and I know that I sound like a mad woman everyday screaming and being bratty if I don't get it my way. And the casualties are the lovely boys God has given me. I hope they can forgive my tantrums one day.

I need to purge these thoughts. Shake them off as I wash the dishes, do the laundry, mop the floor, change diapers, and many many more. I wish I can do all these in a snap. For now my mind takes me to this lovely home where everything is spic and span. Ah, the compulsions again. I can't really live up to my mind. My body, I mean.

So what is left for me to do? Whine. Yes, that. As if my world is about to crumble. And how selfish is that? Absolutely. Then again, it's in my head. I am not asking for sympathy. I know it's not at all about me, but sometimes I feel like it is and I guess it's okay.

Where do I begin? Ah, to begin again, and again...