BAN: IMPOSSIBLE

"Impossible!", never let this word crush your world! I don't know why I'm suddenly like a fighter now. It's like I've gone to a long hiatus enough to digest my thoughts being the philosophical and sarcastic that I am. Life has a way of laughing back at you! So why worry? But this does not mean you stop either...

I have been toying with an alternate career. It's not totally being erased or crashed out from my list. Last night, I have realized that it may not be that practical and sane (yet). It's not impossible, but is it right? There are more bigger fish to catch, so I'd rather learn how to catch rather than wonder how a fish net is woven.

Nothing is impossible. This quasi dream will make me an inch closer to a childhood whim. It makes me giddy to imagine myself in a different world. I went to the library and read books about it, and I laughed to realize how much of an idiot I am LOL!

Dream with me, keep this wish for me... but for now, I'll pursue something else.

***

Amidst the whimsical thoughts and flightiness, I am very happy and proud to have married my dear husband... he never ceases to appreciate how my beautiful mind leads me! =)

How she does it, is really amazing! A full time student, a wife, and a mother rolled into one in this society where a household help is a luxury. Despite her busy schedule, she manages to think of 'others', her family and her friends. This woman deserves more than just that valedictorian award!

The humble lady that she is, she never told us she got this prestigious award! I feel like kicking myself for not being there when she got her award!

Congrats Ayen!!! You're a super supergirl!

The Memory Keeper's Daughter

It was top heavy, an inverted pyramid, like that of a direct news. Everything is dramatized in the first few pages. It's like watching a very painfully slow telenobela... too many words, skipped too many pages of babbles. In the end, there is no twist. It is what it is. I was left with "that's it?!", after excitedly rushing through its pages to finish it before the break of dawn.

But the emotions that tore the characters apart is very well written. I could pretty much picture a movie scene. How can a father just do that to her own daughter? How can a couple so in love would gradually fall out of love? How can a stranger love you without conditions? How long can you hold on to a secret? How far are you willing to cover the truth? How much more are you going to sacrifice just to keep the lies?

And then the angle of being a memory keeper, the photographer, is something really strong. An element with so much creativity. Camera, chambre', secrets and magic... things not always what they seem. It's the main characters life trapped and filed perfectly in his dark room... waiting to be revealed.

How well do you know your loved ones? Do you know their dreams? Do you know their struggles? Do you know their fears? Do you know what brought them here? Do you know what tickles their fancy? When they die, will it matter to you?

ART

appreciate, respect, trust.

We should all exercise this very frequently to the people around us. Our loved ones, our friends, or families, colleagues, and even the help. Do this with love...

I just realized that it's better to be the kind one, to be the quiet, and sometimes be the fool. We don't really gain pretty much anything with hatred, angst, bitterness, vengeance, aggression, violence, and noise.

He told me that I am...
perhaps, he liked the pancit palabok too much that I made for the first time!
Thank you LOVE!

Sleep and Peace

Dreams have a way of resolving your inner demons. The things that have their way of ruining a quite perfect mood can be ironed out by your subconcsious. I need to delegate my thoughts to other departments of my brain. They need to work too, somehow. I can't be lugging nasty thoughts all day. I can't beat myself up over petty stuffs. And so, I feel a bit better now... sleeping soundly and peacefully helped me so.

***

I'm a recovering insomniac. I hope this is it! I hope I can retire before midnight. Oh Lord please help me!

***

The Memorial Weekend was a wonderful surprise! No plans made, but we got invitations... went to a BBQ dinner last Sunday, and a supposed picnic became a trip to the Children's Museum. The rain was merciless and our noble chauffeur did not want to take the risk of driving towards the mountains on a rainstorm. We capped the long weekend with a victorious basketball game, yey the Nuggets won! I've been watching sports since I became a missus. Why? Oh well, just as my husband became my TV buddy when I watch Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives =)

***

Another long weekend is coming up, the husband is off work this Friday! I wonder if I will pass the learner's permit exam w/o studying hehehe! Is there a cheat sheet that I can review on? I just need to learn how to drive LOL!

The Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

I was bawling as soon as I started flipping through the first few pages. This is the story of a man who died almost a year ago due to pancreatic cancer. This was his legacy for his three young children. It was like watching a movie scene, his joys, his triumphs, his struggles, and his worries. Selfishly, I was scared of being left alone, of being the caregiver to an ailing husband and to young children. I wonder if I can be as strong as I possibly could. As I read the Randy Pausch's anecdotes, I was stroking my husband's hair without him knowing. He was fast asleep as I was trying to control my sobs that I could no longer breathe very well. I don't ever want to lose him to death, but that's not possible.

And then comes this fear of being the one to leave so soon... I can't imagine my little one wondering where his mommy went and whether she's coming back or not. It tore me up to pieces and almost drove me insane. I know I have to stop. But with my current condition now and the word pancreas suddenly feels like the next toxic thing I need to run away from. My doctor just called to remind me of my next blood work three weeks from today. She was worried that with my high triglycerides, I would develop pancreatitis. I know pancreatic cancer and pancreatitis may be totally different but it sounds the same and it's scary!

Then I wept for losing my father. It has been five years since he passed on but the pang is still there. How I wish my son could have cherished his company and his stories and his laughter. If I am feeling this miserable, how much more for my mother? She now lives alone in the house where we've lived since 1984. It was the home she built with my father, where the five of us grew and explored. There were wonderful memories and horrible ones as well. But it was home to all of us, and now she is all alone. What could she be wondering every day? How could have it been like if she had someone with her to love and to hold?

I do not like to go on living alone. I am scared for now. I may not be later on. There are just so many things to fulfill and so many plans to make... I can't let go just yet. Perhaps, I better stop sulking and really live my life as it should, as God had planned for me. Maybe I can start ticking off the things I have always wanted when I was a little girl.

When I was in first grade, I always thought I wanted to become a doctor. Then I started doodling wonder woman sketches on every paper I see. I did not spare my mother's lesson plan, books, and even the walls. It always had this trademark of Linda Carter with bent arms sitting on her sexy hips, super hero outfit, and matching bangles and tiara. Oh how I loved doing that! Then my sketches became vivid imaginations of waif models and red lipstick. I dabbled into what was like fashion designing but not quite. I stopped when I started college.

My love for science, however did not just went to the trash bin. I wanted to take medical technology first before pursuing medicine. That all changed when I had to dissect a frog! Then I realized I could not stand the sight of blood. The irony is that now, I kiss my son's booboos away... I didn't know what to do anymore but the arts, which I never did.

I have always been fascinated with make-up. My first encounter with it was when I was barely four years old. I played with my mother's kit, which my father gave her and she never got around using. I don't know if this was typical of kids painting their faces at that age... I just knew it was so much fun. Then I moved on to using my Artex watercolors and then started collecting a few make up from aunts and painted on my friends! I just want to paint the others, not mine. My boyfriend then (husband now) gave me a book by Kevin Aucoin (Making Faces), it showed different ways of 'making faces' with the magic of make-up. It was such wonder!

Then, the most life changing decision I've ever had was when I left my last full time job in May of 2001 without knowing where to go next. I thought the corporate world is not the best place to be anymore. It was not consistent with my personal goals. I thought. I wanted to pursue family life and child development, and teach religion at the same time. Scared to my wits, I asked God to give me a sign. I was being pulled from different directions, former employers wanted to hire me back, flattering really. What do you know? A few days after my resignation, I got an acceptance letter from HKU, got a scholarship and went to HK for two years.

Where did my childhood dreams go? I don't even own a barbie, not one. I never pursued the arts nor the medical field. But I am living the family life and taking care of my child's development... and have been teaching him a little about religion as well. Maybe it's not yet too late, I suppose.

Come to think of it I never really had outrageous childhood dreams... was I that pragmatic already?

(Note: after reading this book, I am going to allow my child to let loose and play, he can paint his room with whatever he likes and fancies, and damn the mess I could always clean it up later... but his childhood can't wait)

Tooralooraloora!

"Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora"

***

I learned this lullaby when I had my little one. I'd listen to the lullabye station online the whole night. It rocks him to sleep... and whenever I hear this song, I can still vividly remember how tiny he used to be just barely seven pounds and such a milk monster. He was such a dream come true.

I could go on and on about my little one who will turn four in three months... but this entry is not about him. It's about the power of the lullaby. I am yearning for those moments when I can sleep just like that. I hate this insomnia attacks, it's crazy. Mental gaps here and there, and I'm such a sloth during the day. It made me out of my cycle again hahay!

Before I had my little one, insomnia was me. My mind would wander far and wide, exploring ideas after ideas, visualizing the future, organizing an event to the smallest details, and whatnots. All these disappeared the moment I got an epidural and push for about half an hour a tiny screaming boy! He normalized my bio clock. The exhaustion of being mom and all that jazz in the household, was enough to plop me to bed before I even know it. And I terribly miss that!

I get angry when I sleep late, because I wake up weird and cranky. I hate it because I can't tick off my to dos. I used to live on about eight hours of sleep, I just have to have that and I guess that was healthier. Now, I can do that if I sleep very very early! But how? My business needs me at night and sometimes it's just the elixir I need not even wink until the sun begins to shine again.

You know, I'm addicted doing business online. I'm not busy blogging, I'm busy chatting, catching up with friends, and getting to know my clients more. It's where I brew ideas after ideas... but I just have to stop. Yes, Chelo you're very right, we are human!

Kapoy na ko Lord!

A Comfort Zone

Friendship and what defines it has been a topic of late with close friends. There are so many wonderful souls that I am so grateful of knowing. These are trusted friends over the years, and have proven time and time again why we're friends in the first place. Some I met a few years back, but really meshed well... just because.

And they are my comfort zone... when I'm with them, I am candid. My heart is light. I can call them after midnight and they are very welcome to call me anytime as well. We burn the phone lines for hours and hours. We exchange post cards, cards, emails, and chat daily. These people know what ticks me off and what makes me really happy.

The others, well who cares? Oh well, they have their set of friends too... but I don't have to be in their shoe! LOL!

***

I am happy that a very dear friend is starting to blog. Sorry, she doesn't want to share her online world. She is one of the good writers I know. She will be quick to correct me of my grammar and spelling, choice of words, etc. She is a poet, smart, articulate, and lovely. Oh, as I've said before I am surrounded by spectacular people... mediocrity does not define them.

***

I am deeply troubled with the going ons of another dear friend whom I haven't even met. She is in a delicate situation now and the last thing she needs is stress from people who chewed their brains while asleep. I hope she gets to blog again.

***

I miss my favorite bloggers! Update pud mo beh, pwede? Chichiroo, numero uno kang delinquente! Hahaha!!!

Soaked myself under the sun for about half an hour (or perhaps less than that). This was after I was done with my business at the SSA to get my number. Yes, I will have my own SSN to guard and to hold now. I will be able to process my driver's license, get a job, pay my SSA dues for my pension, build my credit, and if I get lucky have my identity stolen (God forbid).

The boys dropped me off. I didn't ask them to stay with me, because well government offices are the last place a hyper tot would want to be. He will get antsy and we may be deported (sick joke). I thought I'd take a couple of hours queuing, but now it was not even an hour. It was superbly fast! The husband was actually surprised I called him oh too quickly, when the little one was having so much fun at the library and apparently made friends with older kids. He loaned a VHS about airplanes, and told me he read a yellow book with woods and dogs hehehe!

While waiting, I thought I'd go get some fresh air and some sun. I was YMing with Bevs and Du, and took pics of the clouds, the pebbles, and the electric cables hahaha!!! I thought it was fun just sitting there, hearing the wind blow, and enjoying the green grass and the very blue sunny sky.

Weekends are usually MY days. I decide where to go, what to do, unless there is something urgent. So, despite the fact that we both lack sleep and the husband has to finish some work I strongly pushed to go explore the Far East corner of Metro Denver. This was hoping I could get some malunggay and banana leaves, and whatnots. They said there are lots of things I can get there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! It was so far!

When we got there, the place looked like we're in a different planet (okay, I might be exaggerating here...). It's filthy, and I don't know how they could live with that? A supermarket? I almost gagged with the stench, but thought hey why be snooty? I eat dried fish and it stinks. Oh, it was too awful. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy that shopping spree... wah! I wish I just left right away. But I didn't want to look like an idiot going in a specialty store and not knowing what to get. I grabbed Ligo sardines, tamarind candy, fresh tamarinds, and Lucky Me noodle bowls. I thought I was going to pack some Magnolia Ice Cream and some hopia, etc... argh!

I went back to the car with the boys literally cooked. The little one fell asleep, good thing though because I really didn't want them to see what I saw inside. The husband was squinting, he got aura. Uh-oh, an impending migraine! How are we going to get home now? Lack of sleep, not too much food, and the glaring sun all gave him that. So we went home, he had some banana bread and noodles, and Tylenol before taking a nap.

As I write, it's 7:30 PM and no dinner is being prepared. I just thawed the frozen chicken wings without knowing what to do with it. Oh I am so tempted to order in, but this family has been spending way too much these past weeks... I might as well bake the chicken and see...

Pack What You Need

I do not mean to be self righteous. I just thought that it would be nice to somehow express how and what I think as of this moment.


***

You pack light, only what you need in this journey. You don't need excess baggage because it will be hard for you to move on. You won't be as agile and quick to react to storms your way. As you go along, you notice you even have to unload and throw away more stuffs to get to your destination easily. It is simple, you choose how you want to go with your life.

***
We live in this world but we should try not to be worldly. It may be hard, but once you notice how a shoe is so shallow for a source of happiness then you have won! If saving a cent today would mean having millions the next day that could feed the world, then it's noble and worth your while.

***
I am surrounded by well grounded friends. They are smart, talented, and sweet. Not to mention the fact that they are all beautiful! My dearest friends do not exist because they need me, they are respectful, they don't take advantage of any person, they are profound. Their happiness are measured by their health, love, and relationships -- nothing shallow. They don't talk about what they've acquired but of the friendships they have made over the years. They're creative, sensitive, considerate, and sensible. They make my pack lighter because like Simon of Cyrene, they often help me carry my load (oh too happily) despite the weight they are struggling to carry. I will always be forever grateful for them.

***
In this time of crisis, haven't you learned enough? Spending beyond your means is like digging your own graveyard. Times are tough and we need to hold on to what we can hold on as much as possible. Don't whine when you can't have it your way. Just don't. Some things are not meant for you, and God knows. I hope none of us will go through painful consequences of this self destructing habit.

***
Let's all wash our dirty mouths. And scrub our nasty thoughts... these burden our pack and will sink us whole. If someone does not like you, let it be. It may not be about you all the time, although sometimes it usually is heheheh! Just accept the fact that you are quite off tangent of that person's life. Don't go wagging your tongue and web stories just to make yourself feel better. If you need that, then you have a serious problem. Go busy yourself with something the world can make use of!

***
And lastly, let's all eat right and exercise. It will keep us stronger... enjoy the journey!

Because It's My Day

WE ARE MOMS!

I woke up feeling fresh and chirpy. Never mind the fact that I didn't have the breakfast in bed that I've always dreamed of, perhaps when my son gets bigger. Oh well... and so I decided to fix myself up and feel fabulous, afterall I never felt this way during my birthday two weeks ago. I used my new set of skin care which I bought the day before -- which turned out to be my present for myself already. It's a little bit too much already if I asked for that make up set hahaha!!! Anyhoo, the husband curled my hair! Yes, he figured out how to use it. I am such a moron when it comes to fixing my hair. It's way to easy to tie it into a pony or just straighten it out! To finish the look, I used a little bit of foundation to cover the nasty red spots and pimple scars. Wore the new mascara I got, a dab of eye shadow, some blush and gloss (still couldn't find the comfort of putting on lipstick). And then, I wore my black dress (the one I wore a few months back).

There I was, all ready for church. The little one was too happy to see his mom all made up. He said I should turn and twirl ("like this mom" and he turned). Ever since he was a baby, he would notice if I fix myself up in more ways than usual. This boy must be a charmer to ladies in the future, hmmm...

Oh, that time in the vanity with my dear husband was priceless. It was like having a (girl) friend over to enjoy with. Argh, let's not go there. You see, he enjoyed the fact that I am fussing over MY DAY hahaha!!!

After mass, we headed to grab some groceries and ready to serve meals and got a new laptop (looked like it was a present for me) for the kitchen in Cebu. Then I prepared chocolate fondue, cooked rice, and arranged party platters before our guest arrived for dinner. Yes, we had a little party with our closest friends here -- only two families hehehe! That wasn't so stressful at all! I bought roasted chicken, spring rolls, they brought grilled tilapia, palabok, bico, and watermelon. That's more than enough to feed us!




The kids were too happy to see each other again and had so much at the basement playing with whatnots, while the husband played pingpong with our guest's son. The rest of the pack had tons of stories and jokes to fill the night with laughter and joy!



And of course, I had my own night cap ;-)

Spring Charms

I was very delighted to see that the nearby mall grounds are grazed with these lovely tulips. Despite the chilly cloudy afternoon (and a little bit of drizzle), I asked the husband to park somewhere so I can click happily around them. I don't know how and when this fascination with flowers started. All I know, is now I'm longing to have these in my garden. And since I didn't inherit my mother's green thumb, may I be rich to afford a landscape artist or a gardener to maintain my lawn and yard. Blah hehehe!!!

I once told my sister that when the time comes that I will adore gardens, plants, flowers, pots and whatnots, it would signal my being "old"! Hahaha! But what really is age, anyway? If by aged, I am wiser and finer (like wine perhaps), then I am happy! I think I am more useful now that I am in my prime.

Right now, it still feels like my birthday. There have been gifts and blessings that I will not mention anymore but cherish them instead. I will always be grateful and hopeful... of brighter days ahead...

Eating My Cake Too

A huge slice of cake to celebrate my birthday, albeit one day belated. A thanksgiving of the wonderful year that went by, and the years before that. This was like a symbol to brace myself for that stressful one last week. It's no joke to nurse a little boy with no help around the house. I was able to squeeze in about three hours of sleep tops -- juggling the necessary planning and deskwork for my kitchen and making sure my son was still breathing.

He was up in the middle of the night frequently going to the toilet and suffering this agonizing stomach flu. He had ear and sinus infection which caused his very high fever. At an almost 104F (40C), I couldn't help but worry. His antibiotics were not working, and so his pediatrician gave him a new one. Apparently, he was allergic to the new antibiotics! Two hours after that first dose he developed rashes all over his neck and trunk! We had to rush him to the ER! (Boy, weekly trips to the emergency room is no fun!).

And back to my cake, yes I badly needed a break. Now, the house is swamped with mess and whatnots. It is not welcoming and warm. You are not allowed to come and drop me a surprise visit. I will refuse to answer that door! If you're a courier, just leave the parcel by the doorstep. If I need to sign it, then you need to come back maybe next week. But if you're the pizza guy or Helen/Tet (our neighborhood Chinese bistro) then you are most welcome to drop the food we so need... because I haven't been into cooking meals with all these hulabaloo!

But no, I can't have that much cake! I promised to only eat these kinds once a week. I can't afford to just drop dead, life is so much wonderful! So many dreams to pursue, laundry to fold, and my boys to love.

All Circuits Are Busy

The word "busy" is overrated, I think Jin is right about that. Although it may just be an excuse for some, in my nook it has become a bit of truth. For how will I even fit in several tasks and projects with only two hands and one body? I wear lots of hats in this household and last week I had to put a halt and break my routine because the health department has not been so great. I went to the ER, my son got sick, and we brought him to the ER too. If I tell you about the backlogs, it will surely drive you insane especially if you're not used to doing things yourself.

I promise to update my photo blog and my food diary once I get my act together. Because right now, I cannot spend that "time" doing my leisurely blogging when all I see is chaos all around me! Wah! Once I lose control over things like this, I totally lose my sanity too. It swings just like a monkey! Argh...

Plus, I need to focus on being healthy. I know I am a walking time bomb. I NEED HELP!

Tinker, Tinker

I really would like to be called Tinkerbell, for so many reasons. I like her, she's smart and stubborn, cute and lovable, and again smart. If I will have a baby girl soon, I wish that she watches Tinkerbell rather than the fairy princesses of the classic fairy tales. I don't want her to be pining for that prince charming to rescue her when in distress. Instead, I want her to tinker and find ways to achieve what she wants in life.

Baby Andi, will turn one very soon and I am very excited for her Tinkerbell birthday cake. I wish it will turn out awesome as I planned. Well, I am a stage ninang... hilabtanon, tinker gani!

***

At three in the morning, instead of snoring my way to dreamville, I find myself tinkering my online kitchen. And more often than not, thoughts and ideas come rushing nonstop! Too many things to do with so little resources. I can't wait to get my very own CS4! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Why can't I just sit still, laze, and enjoy a book?

***

Next project, a flower pot! I will tinker the garden and hopefully harvest something fruitful this year ;-)