Today.

I am baking again! Deep dark chocolate cake in the oven, carrot cake in waiting... this afternoon, I will decorate them with fondant icing. In two layers, plus cupcakes... tomorrow, this creation shall grace the debutant's party. I'm honored Tita L entrusted the cake to me =)

Next weekend, I will be making baby Luke's christening cake. And I am excited!

Oh, the joys in the kitchen! Can you smell it from your end? =P

Something to Look Forward to...

Thoughts are brewing, need to explore this. I may have a new business venture with a friend this year! Yay!!!

Beginning Again.

small but significant.

Aren't we lucky to be given a new chance daily... to begin again, to be better, to forget all about our past hurts and pains, to come out of a maddening sadness, to break away from a bad habit, to a new person with a clean slate of soul and heart....?

These few days have been very refreshing for me. It is like going on this personal journey to rediscovering my soul. I have seen it hopeful, happy, sad, dark, jaded, cynical, and much more. But lately, it has given me this comfort that yes I can be a peaceful soul once again.

It is true that once we introspect and ask ourselves deeply of what has been causing so much angst, we break free from it. I have never felt more relieved.

To you, my very special friends, who have been nothing but supportive and inspirational to me I make this personal vow to get rid of anything negative. Life is too short. I do not want to waste it over useless tears and doubts. I am letting go of confusion and anger.

I wish I can share with you personally my notes in this journey, but I would rather keep it to myself. Things are just too much to be posted publicly. An old trusted pad and pen has been my company right before bedtime.

The secret to all this is prayer. Yes, it does wonders. And yes, God exists. Isn't Lent a perfect time to resolve to become our best?

What I Need

my birthday last year =P

"You're too smart for that!" is just what I needed to hear...

I cannot really explain why I have bouts of insecurity. I do not understand myself. Why do I need others to tell me what I'm worth? Why do I need to hear compliments? Why do I need to know that my efforts are being appreciated?

Today, I realized I just needed to bury myself with lots of work that would distract my beautiful mind from wandering. I am happy that I accomplished, although very little to my standards, something today. Note that this does not pertain to house chores hahaha! I have already given up on myself, because to be very hard on myself about the house can actually drive me to the mental institution.

And so, I tinker some more -- creatively and logically -- on what else I need to do to build an "empire"... bow!

He is now an architect! I'm so proud!!! He passed the board exams and he placed tenth, isn't that a double awesome treat? I knew he would become good at what he does best -- designing. My pastry designer is an architect, how cool is that?

When he was a young boy he'd spend summers making model/miniature houses made of cardboard, plastic, match sticks, and boxes. Dreams really do come true!!!

25 Random HIGH (high school life)

1. I met my husband in June 1989! We were seatmates in our agriculture class. Yes, I belong to the Jurassic era of agriculture instead of computers! (there are about five married couples borne out of our batch hehehe)

2. I like being in school early! I was the classroom San Pedro. I like the quiet... but that all changed in my senior year. Sige ra ko ka late! So I end up missing my first class, that's the punishment for being late! You miss a class and you become a slave around the campus picking up trash! [my future husband then would yell at me "Crisostomo, late na sad ka!? Hahahaha!!!"]

3. I was part of the school paper called Scholar's Voice... but we never really got that "voice" it was just like an exercise to practice writing. Imagine I was a news editor in FILIPINO! Noong unang panahon, marunong pa po ako... ngayon kumbaga datapwat...

4. My group mates and I went to DYHP to buy sound effects. Yes, we needed that for our radio drama of the Noli Me Tangere! Oh dear, the things we go through.

5. I was like a midget! Still is... I feel like a mini adult. I can't reach the top level of the lockers. Nyehehe! But I have to carry banana bracts or a huge typewriter to school! Bweset!

6. Investigatory projects were like the olympics! I remember making perfume out of ilangilang, a shampoo for dog fleas, antifungal ointment, mosquito repellant, etc. There was no photoshop to create presentations nor powerpoint, we had to type our reports! We had to cut out letters for our presentation boards!

7. I was never allowed to attend school parties, dances, even caroling... what a bummer!

8. "We don't call ourselves the best, we only happened to be..." asa ka ana? That was our batch hehehe!!!

9. Grems, Jessell, and I used to sneak out from from so called PEHM (Physical Education Health & Music) just to eat our lunch box at mid morning! Hahahah!!!

10. Most of my book reports were made by Lynette. I don't like reading! That was always the great excuse to stay overnight hehehe!!! And oh I do the drawings, don't know why I did that hahaha!

11. During our senior prom, I designed about five dresses hahaha! Nailad sila oy! I am still thinking what could have been if I pursued this passion... NAH!

12. I thought I was too mature for girls my age then or was I just a late bloomer? Ah basta, I couldn't relate to their "crushes" and whatnots. There were one too many "open forum" daw which somewhat feels like Jerry Springer high school version. That was a venue for catfights! Blah, I didn't like it!

13. During Math class, I'd go to the clinic and sleep.

14. World history with Mrs. Gopo gave me panic attacks. I used to volunteer to share what I've read and then go to the restroom afterwards because more often than not she'd tell me "Miss Crisostomo, read some more!"

15. I learned baking in Sci Hi! This passion for the kitchen... ah! Mrs. Solana... another story. But really, we would crack up when she says "ten oven, T I N bah!" it was mean for us to make fun of her.

16. The sayawit was another olympic like fest! I wish I have pictures to prove them... you dance, you sing, you act. All in the name of Linggo ng Wika.

17. I loved Biology so much! I thought I really wanted to become a doctor until we had to dissect a darn frog! That's it! Thank you!

18. High school was learning siatong and jackstones (coloray pa ta). I had so much fun I don't remember studying that much. Maybe I did, but I just remembered it was like play hehehe!

19. I was the CAT princess bwehehehe! Most of the officers were my friends... I have never joined a full Saturday formation. I was mostly excused to do office/paper works. I learned how to carry a wooden rifle under the shade, while the rest of the class had to soak themselves under the sun bwehehe! I don't know why they always thought I was too sick to do just that nyehehe =P

20. I learned to write poems in high school. I think all that teenager angst and neuroses are best expressed in crypts. Oh well, but who says I still don't have that angst and neuroses now? Hehehe! Some things are meant to stay forever hahaha!

21. We cleaned our classrooms! We took care of our gardens, etc. (Child labor!!!) I was once assigned to take care of the mayana rock garden (I still don't understand why we were asked to do so for our physics class!?) and Mr. Falcasantos (God bless his soul) would say "Ms. Crisostomo, the plants are bowing at me!"... back then I haven't figured out that I was born with a black thumb. I would have starved if my life depended on my 'crops'.

22. I always hated being part of the flag ceremony. I don't like to carry the flag, nor carry a rifle! Or be the one conducting the National Anthem! Why were we subject to all these?

23. I taught my future husband how to do 'telebabad', we often burn lines every after dinner time. There was no text or IMs nor facebook back then hehehe!

24. Ours was the most dramatic graduation ceremony my parents attended. My mother was a teacher for almost 40 years of her life and she still claims that my high school graduation was by far the most memorable. Kamo bay sige hilak "Goodbye to you.... another set of memories, goodbye!"

25. I made wonderful friends from Sci Hi, some I discovered way after high school but nonetheless they are treasures worth keeping!!! "A lifetime's not too long to live as friends!"

The Sun Comes Out

"Sunny day sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet..."

***

God loves me, that should be enough. I should stop fretting about what self worth is all about, instead live it. I don't know why but sometimes this mental issue kills me. I better stop thinking too much.

Life is good, I am grateful!

How Do You?

How do you pick yourself up after being broken one too many times?

How do you convince yourself that you are more than what you think you are worth?

How do you console yourself?

How do you know that you are already good enough?

How do you?

How could you?

Happy Valentines!

I have been very tired lately. Too tired to be online and to talk about things... too tired to tick off my to do lists... I guess this is the bug alright. Like that of a virus that slows down one's hard drive. I am about to crash. I just slept the whole day. And the thought of it is making me sick tired!

I wish I can breathe normally already. I want to start doing my exercise routine tomorrow.

Authorized

I got my employment authorization card today. It's a piece of good news! I am now 'authorized' to work! I need to secure my social security number to complete the deal. Then I will get my driver's license and off to work I go. I really don't know what to do out there. My last full time job was in 2001!

heads and aches

A week has gone by and the laundry is filled to the brim, a few baskets that needed to be folded and tucked and a couple of hampers to be washed. The sala is at its chaotic glory as always, to which my son happily maintains. Our Christmas tree is still up because the little one insists it is still Christmas and I don't blame him. I want to be reminded that Christmas does not happen once a year too!

Anyway, at least now the fever has gone but the colds and congestion plus this nagging headache is still here to stay for a little while. But I'm happy I am already a functioning mother and wife, to say the least.

Just as I am quite well my period came. Perfect! Hehehe!!!

***

I thank you for sharing this dream with me! Thank for you your well wishes and I hope they will come true too for me and you!!!

***

That one thing that I wanted to do for myself, to get my groove back, to be alive again, to see myself, to soar... I've done it! I'm happy where I am now.

I do not cringe anymore every time somebody asks me what I do. I proudly say I am a mommy and wife! Nothing wrong with that! Some look down on me with either pity, amusement, or bewilderment. These people do not know what I am capable of. They think that I am wasting myself. Some wish they can do the same, but can't.

My friends are happy for me, they constantly keep me grounded. They think my mind is beautiful when I think it's gone crazy. They keep me inspired...

On the other hand, there are some who think I am very domestic which is sadly not true. I am still a restless mind. But at least I am no longer that mad woman who refuses to embrace this huge blessing to stay home.

to my kitchen, to my dreams

Happy birthday! Feels like I really gave birth to you... a year ago, I labored around the dusty and congested streets of Cebu looking for that perfect plate, spoon, fork, mug, cup, etc... I was even brave to take the jeep to Mandaue all the way from Pardo! Never mind the jetlag and how sick I became after that...

Today marked the very first adventure we've had! The barely an hour of sleep before that morning snacks for the teachers. Oh how we wowed them... ah those days! Happy tiresome experience. I remember how I just fell flat on my face afterwards. Somehow my body just gave up.

I am happy of what you've become and what you will become! I can't wait to see what the future holds for you! May you be bigger than what I dreamed about and outlive me!

Sick, Still.

The husband and I are not well. He's been sick for a week while I've had this for three days already. Good thing the little one is still okay. We hope he will not get all this coughing and fever anytime soon.

Just as I thought that my fever broke already, I suddenly cold and tired. My head feels like it is about to explode with the so much pressure in my sinuses. My ears feels like it's been covered by very heavy corks. Really it's a pressure cooker! And my throat is dry, itchy, and sore. My cough is very dry that it hurts every time I cough. Speaking of coughing, my brain jiggles every time I'm at it! A very very queasy feeling.

But what am I supposed to do? It's almost dinner time. I think I can make a very quick dinner. I should have just cooked rice while I was somewhat 'lucid' from fever. My eyes are sore and there are things to think about.

Kapoya ani uy!

visions

In a city not very far from home, we wake up to the usual morning buzz. The kids are getting ready for school, manang is preparing a heavy breakfast for the four of us. We drop the kids to school before heading for work.

I leave my workplace earlier (than others) to pick up the kids, treat them for snacks, and some precious time at the playground. Soon they will be tired enough to take a nap once we get home. They will wake up to a supper I single-handedly prepare.

We will eat together by the time their father gets home. After dinner, we get to have some family time, homeworks, and whatnots. The kids will have a one on one session with us before they're off to bed. By the time their peacefully tucked, it will just be me and him...

And we have the weekends to look forward to. It's the time to visit the "home" we so much love!

***
This may happen in the near future, who knows?

An old lady at the elevator on our way to the doctor's clinic sang to our little one with much gusto. She sounded like she performed quite a lot in her hay days. And then she covered her eyes with her face, she was sobbing. My husband thought she has gone crazy, but afterwards she gathered herself up and smiled again. She must be very lonely. My heart goes out to her.

She was a graceful little old lady with red lipstick and matching scarves, sunglasses, and brooch. I wonder if her family has abandoned her or if she ever had a family of her own. I thought she may be missing her children and grandchildren or perhaps realized what she has been missing out all these years.

I hope she will die gracefully and peacefully...

Of Dreams and What Will Become...

The husband woke me up at an ungodly hour. I was not too cheery about it. I'm not usually grumpy when I wake up but to be awoken in the middle of a very bad dream is another thing. I stood up and walked like a zombie to the little one's room. Apparently he screamed a lot, which I never heard at all, he must have had bad dreams too.

And the dream is something women mostly fear. It's betrayal and more. It hurts like a dagger through my heart. I couldn't breathe properly. Fuming mad. He consoled me that it was just a dream, and that he and the little one are always there for me. That was so sweet. I went back to sleep a little less mad.

Then the alarm clock went off. Ah, our day is about to start but my body is sore and I am not feeling to well to do what I need to do. I hit the snooze button a couple of times. And when the husband tried to wake me up, I told him we have another little boy. He said he always knew that! Yes, this is the second time I've dreamed about having another baby boy. As weird dreams get, I saw myself trying to nurse a very different personality than that of my little one.

Next thing I knew, the husband came with thermometer, flu meds, and the little one's milk before he left for work. Even with a very bad flu, he took time to do this. We'll be seeing our family physician after lunch.

It feels wonderful to wake up beside a very wonderful man...

ThirtyTwo

in less than three months, i'll be thirty two
"what a journey it has been..."