Like a stranger looking through my life go by, like that someone else judging me from behind my back, like that... someone thinks ill of what I'm not doing right... in my mind, and that's me. Strange. Really. But I think I could do more than this... spread myself more. Even more thinly. Become a better person. A better wife. A better mom. Or am I just experiencing this so called (almost) midlife crisis now that I'm nearing my mid 30s?
I need a change of perspective. I want it now. For weeks, I have been in that abyss drowned with my own thoughts and cynicism. I think and I know that I sound like a mad woman everyday screaming and being bratty if I don't get it my way. And the casualties are the lovely boys God has given me. I hope they can forgive my tantrums one day.
I need to purge these thoughts. Shake them off as I wash the dishes, do the laundry, mop the floor, change diapers, and many many more. I wish I can do all these in a snap. For now my mind takes me to this lovely home where everything is spic and span. Ah, the compulsions again. I can't really live up to my mind. My body, I mean.
So what is left for me to do? Whine. Yes, that. As if my world is about to crumble. And how selfish is that? Absolutely. Then again, it's in my head. I am not asking for sympathy. I know it's not at all about me, but sometimes I feel like it is and I guess it's okay.
Where do I begin? Ah, to begin again, and again...
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